


these ghosts in my lungs and bones

by wisepuma23



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Horror, DID I MENTION THEY HAVE ISSUES, Dreams and Nightmares, Everyone Has Issues, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Homeworld is Horrible, Out of Body Experiences, Past Abuse, Past Character Death, Past Torture, Pink Diamond!Steven, Possession, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Powerful Steven, Seizure, Selectively mute, Sharing a Body, Spoilers for Episode: s05e29-32 Change Your Mind, Therapy, like once, par for course in steven universe really, past Forced Gem Fusion, season 1 nostalgia trip, steven needs therapy 2kever, there will be a therapy dog, you can pry this from my cold dead hands
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2019-10-20 15:13:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17624774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wisepuma23/pseuds/wisepuma23
Summary: Steven is haunted by three ghosts from the future,himself. They have come from their world broken and scarred, but their resolute determination to change their fate is what brought them here. Steven has to adjust to three other minds wrestling for the driver’s seat in his own head and body. It doesn’t help that the Gems notice how...offhe can be. Especially when he wakes up from nightmares screaming places and names he shouldn’t know.Pearl swears by the stars that she saw Steven's eyes were pink but in a blink, it was gone. Amethyst notices the peek of an old scar under his sleeve but Steven pulls it down before she can get a good look. Garnet’s future vision splits into snowflakes around Steven, as if the twelve year old boy she once knew had gone volatile and utterly unpredictable. Steven...well, he’s just glad that no one has noticed the faded diamond mark on his arm yet. The other Stevens are glad too.Set in season 1 of SUCanon Compliant with Change Your Mind





	1. home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [realfakedoors](https://archiveofourown.org/users/realfakedoors/gifts), [9shadowcat9](https://archiveofourown.org/users/9shadowcat9/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Revelations](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14605911) by [9shadowcat9](https://archiveofourown.org/users/9shadowcat9/pseuds/9shadowcat9). 
  * Inspired by [Convictions and Captivity](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11685378) by [realfakedoors](https://archiveofourown.org/users/realfakedoors/pseuds/realfakedoors). 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I was such a fool to keep on chasing after nothing great_   
>  _You were such a fool to keep pretending that you're loving me_   
>  _Look in the mirror, I love that boy,_   
>  _don't hurt my dear, don't hurt my joy_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> fool by cavetown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warnings:** Implied/mention of seizure
> 
>  **Notes:** yay first chapter is here!!! I asked realfakedoors and 9shadowcat9 if I could write a fic based on their two AUs and they said yes! I guess this _could_ count as a crossover fic? Pffft. But I really liked the idea of three different Stevens bouncing around in poor S1!Steven's head. One comes from a future where Steven takes up the mantle of Pink Diamond ([Revelations](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14605911/chapters/33758472)) and another future where Steven suffers for his mother's war crimes against the Gem Empire ([Convictions and Captivity](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11685378/chapters/26304207)) as Rose Quartz. Lemme tell you, that boy has got issues a mile long. They both do, RIP. The last Steven from the future is from post-Change Your Mind, but he isn't in the past for a good reason either. It's not expected you have read both fics but please do, they need love <333.

Steven kept his eyes glued to the latest Dogcopter movie as if he could convince himself he wasn’t straining his ears for the telltale sound of the warp pad. Another well-timed hijink pulled his wandering in again. It was just too good! Oh Dogcopter, what a good role model for kids everywhere. Like him!

The warp pad activated.

“Ste-man! We’re home!!” Amethyst called, her arms already open to catch the Steven-sized cannonball aimed right at her, “Sorry we took a little longer, huh?”

Garnet carried a bubble, “Not all of us could swim in lava, unfortunately.”

“I think that’s just you,” Pearl scoffed, “But _I_ figured out where it was hiding. But anyway means we’ll stay for a little while before our next mission.”

Garnet made a grunt and then turned around to disappear into her room. He figured that was Garnet-speak for “later”. Amethyst hoisted him underneath her arm, ignoring his giggling protests to stop. Pearl followed them into the kitchen.

Amethyst let him go with a thump, “Got anything good for me for dinner? You know I miss the mush.”

Pearl sat down on a stool, “Ugh! How absolutely horrid.”

Amethyst sat on the counter and smirked at Pearl. She shuddered at the very thought of it. Steven didn’t really like thinking about “mush” but Amethyst had a point. By how the oranges of the sunset filtered through the windows told him it was past dinner time at this point. Eating a microwaved mac and cheese alone didn’t appeal to him earlier.

But now all the gems were here! And it could be a family dinner. Well, _sorta_ , without Garnet here. Two out of three ain’t bad at all! Steven opened the fridge door, momentarily dazzled by the bright light.

“Come on!” Amethyst groaned, then a muffled thump against wood, “I ain’t got all daaayyy!!”

Steven made to say something but his tongue felt tingly in his mouth. A metallic tang so strong like he sucked on a battery. Huh, weird. Steven tugged his tongue out with his fingers to inspect it. He narrowed his eyes down at it, it didn’t _look_ weird. Amethyst’s laughter cackled behind him, too lost in her own jokes to notice.

He scrunched up his face as the strange taste and _smell_ grew stronger. Not like a real smell but like if smells were a feeling. Steven let his tongue sit back in his mouth. Then the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. As if a nonexistent fist hovered above him ready to squash him. Fear crawled up his neck like bile and his chest filled up with warmth. His hands clammy as Steven had the deepest sense of _foreboding_ in his bones.

“Guys, something is happen--”

Then like a light switch, he lost all of his senses and the heartstopping motion of falling. He screamed as the fridge light became a pinpoint in the distance. What was happening?! Steven clawed his hands through the darkness, far too aware that his screams held no sound in this under-place.

“Pearl! Amethyst!” Steven shouted, “Garnet! Dad!! Somebody help me!”

Steven, he didn’t know how to describe the feeling, but it was like his mind _snagged_ on something far above. Like a hook or if one of Amethyst’s whips caught a piece of his mind. But the rest of him kept falling.

“Stop!” Steven could barely say the word through his tears, “You’re hurting me!”

His mind stretched further and further like candy cotton gum. Or noodles. His thoughts swirled around too fast for him to grasp. Steven had no choice but to call for help, even if nobody came at the bottom of this well.

Pop, flash, and a thump.

Steven opened up his eyes to find himself no longer in that under-place. Instead, stars surrounded him above, below, and _everywhere._  Whoa. Steven ignored that steady pinch at the back of his mind. He looked down and for the first time in what felt like forever, he had hands. Pink glowing ones.

“Whoa!” Steven said, then giggled as he wiggled them, “This is cool! But uh…” He looked around, “I want to go home now? Freaky gem powers, take me home!”

Nothing.

“Well, it was worth a shot,” Steven said. He pulled up his shirt to poke at his gem, “Come on! Work for me for once!”

Steven sighed as he floated through space. Guess he’ll have to find some other way out then. He could start swimming? Steven flapped his arms and kicked his legs. He didn’t notice another pink hand coming out of the black.

“Boy, I wish I had my cheeseburg--mph!” A hand muffled him, but before he could yank it off, another hand circled his wrist. Growling, he reached for his wrist when another hand took it. His chest tightened as a pair of arms trapped him.

_Pearl! Garnet!_

**_Dad!_ **

A star brighter than all the others shone like a beacon. _Wanttogohome, wanttogohome, wanttogohome,_ played on a loop in his mind. That pinch at the back of his mind overtook everything as the fingers on him turned bruising. Clawing into the very fabric of him. Torn between two tugs, he could feel himself rip under the strain.

The hand around his mouth moved to squish his face up to the shining star. Forcing him to stare into the brightness even as he struggled.

_Think of Dad, Steven. Then we can all go home and this’ll be a bad dream...sorry._

Steven jolted at the voice echoing in his head. It sounded like it came from himself, but that’s not right. But it was a good idea! He thought of Dad, car washes, long hugs. His smiles as he served him together breakfast. Dad’s hands brushing through his hair and picking him up so he could fly. The strums of his ukelele that he’d never admit made him homesick.

The star grew brighter and brighter.

Steven winced against the glare. The hands around him squeezed, all six of them. The pinch at the back of his mind lightened and he didn’t feel like Elastic-Boy anymore. Then images flashed before his eyes. Too fast to catch. The star’s light overtook his whole vision.

_A woman that shone like a star, her black lips pursed._

_Rainbow hair obscured by smoke._

_Large hands bigger than his Dad’s van reached for him, yellow, blue, white, he couldn’t tell._

_Blood,_ **_his_ ** _blood, stained his shoes._

Steven only had enough time to register shouting and his name before a different sort of light filtered through his vision. His eyes blearily opened as he registered Dad’s face above him. Steven’s head in his lap. Dad’s face _dropped_ into relief as more tears fell onto his face. He had a feeling by his wet hair that Dad’s been crying for a while.

And the weirdest sense of knowing he lost a chunk of time. Like he took an unexpected nap and didn’t know how long he slept. Steven’s head and body throbbed and he felt like his bones got replaced by iron. He didn’t run up any stairs lately despite how much the air in his lungs felt like sweetness.

“How…” Steven croaked, “how long have I’ve been out?”

“Don’t you remember anything?” Dad frowned, then glanced off to the side, “Do you guys know how long his seizure was?”

Seizure?

Steven thought about Dad’s question. What _did_ he remember? Starlight and spaghetti melted away from his memory like candle wax. Well, he was at the fridge and then he woke up in Dad’s lap. Something weird happened. Right?

Pearl sniffled, “About eight minutes. After three, we sent Amethyst to go get you. We tried to keep himself from hurting himself but he just wouldn’t listen!”

It was at the mention of hurt that he finally registered the throbs of pain niggling at him since he woke up. Steven touched his face and froze as he poked a bruise on his cheek. His toes cried from splinters and abuse. Pain rolled off from his arms in waves like he had slammed them against Peedee’s counter repeatedly. Huh.

Steven sat up. Big mistake. He groaned as he slumped against the fridge and clutched at his head. Two sizes too small or something. He glanced up to see four tearful faces staring back at him. He didn’t know what happened that made them look so…. _scared_.

Even Garnet, he’s _never_ seen her cry. Yet he saw tear tracks under her visor. Steven glanced between them and his stomach threatened mutiny.

“Ste-ball?” Dad said, startling him out his thoughts, “Could you tell me your name?”

“My name is….”

_Pink Diam--Rose Quartz--Steven Universe._

“Steven?” Steven said, ignoring the other names at the back of his tongue. He hissed as he clutched his head again. Like a swirling ball of molten lava. And every noise and movement only mixed the painful mess even more.

“How old are you?” Garnet supplied.

“I’m-”

_20,815 years old._

_No! I remember it was 5,785 years ago on the logs._

_Both of you are wrong! We’re 15 years old, past lives don’t count._

“I’m-”

The numbers in his mind’s eye glitched in front of him. Long neat lines were replaced with scrawls of a different language for a moment. Okay, he might be actually freaking out. Hearing voices didn’t sound too good. He hoped it wasn’t a half-human thing. He stared down at his shaking hands as he struggled to order his thoughts even if he felt someone was stealing them from under his nose.

_Twelve! You’re supposed to say twelve!_

Steven parroted the voice, “I’m twelve years old and I’m Steven Universe.”

Dad sighed as he rubbed his head, “I don’t know guys, I really think he needs a hospital. This isn’t normal, for humans _or_ gems, I know that much.”

“I don’t know what happened!” Amethyst threw her hands up, “One minute he’s just like! Staring off into nothing and then he just drops to the floor!”

Pearl squinted down at Dad, “Would the ‘hospital’ know how to take care of him?”

“There’s no one like Steven,” Garnet cut in, her shoulders slumped, “No one would know where to even begin. We can only keep an eye on him.”

_They’re talking about him like he’s not even here....forgot how frustrating that used to be._

Steven ignored the budding argument among his family as he decided to follow the voice. His eyes widened as he saw three copies of _himself_ sitting next to him. Three Stevens, all pink ghosts. Did he finally go crazy? Steven wondered if the rumors were true about TV melting brains outta ears and if so, he had no one to blame for himself.

One of the Stevens shushed him.

_Don't freak them out more, Steven! It's okay! We're uh- hiding._

“Uhhhh, guys?” Steven’s voice pitched into hysteria.

Another Steven, wearing a white shirt, reached over and clapped his hand over Steven’s mouth. He didn’t smile or wave like the other two. Oh, a _serious_ Steven then? Steven let his voice fall silent as he registered iciness instead of usual warmth from his ghostly hand.

“What is it, Steven?” Garnet said, coming around the counter to kneel in front of him, “How do you feel?”

Serious Steven held up a finger to his mouth then let his hand go. Steven let his head crane up to meet Garnet’s stare behind her visors. He didn’t really like to lie…

_It’s not a lie if you’re gonna say it later?_

Steven let out a relieved sigh. At least _one_ Steven agreed. Two out of four Stevens agreed. His thoughts resisted the urge to focus. Ugh! Garnet, right, caring Garnet.

“Tired, like really tired,” Steven yawned, “Like I fought a chair and I didn’t win.”

“Ha ha!” Amethyst’s laugh strained at the edges, “More like you fought the whole _kitchen_ and didn’t win! You gotta work on your skills, dude.”

Garnet nodded her head, “We’re all worried about you. So you can go take a nap but we’ll check on you, okay?”

Dad rubbed his head and Steven leaned into the touch. It did wonders for his headache. Steven let himself go limp in Dad’s arms as he carried him to bed. He fought back sleep as Dad tucked him with a kiss on his forehead. Then three more kisses followed. A smile lit up his sweaty face, he wished his family tucked him in like this more often.

They left Steven to drift off to sleep, unaware of the three ghosts that guarded his bedpost. Possession felt like a thorny issue to bring up. It’s not like they really _meant_ to do it. But they had to change their futures, even if meant starting the past five years all over again. Steven, Steven, and Steven sat in a circle and started to discuss plans as Steven snored.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave comments and kudos!!! <333
> 
> I'll come up with a second chapter soon :p
> 
> also please check out those fics!! its not required reading since I'll gradually reveal what happened in them, but if you don't want spoilers or whatever, then go check them out!!! Revelations & Convictions and Captivity! Make sure you read their warnings! Stay safe :P


	2. something about butterflies and their effects (on eyeballs)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Let me take you down_  
>  _'Cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields_  
>  _Nothing is real_  
>  _And nothing to get hung about_  
>  _Strawberry Fields forever_  
>  Strawberry Fields Forever by the Beatles  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warnings:** slight violence, blood
> 
>  **Notes:** so yeah I'm not forgetting about this fic, I had to take the time to sort this thing out into arcs. So hopefully this means quicker updates but don't hold your breath XD And if you think I'm forgetting about various Steven traumas, think again :P Lemme know if I need to add any more warnings!

Steven woke up to the distant strums of a ukulele. Strings plucked to a song he didn’t know. He sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Was Dad here? He glanced at his clock then paused at the garbled symbols. Okay….getting weirder now. He turned to glance out the window and froze.

Stars glittered in an endless night sky, as the sea lapped at the shore pink as the seashells that littered it. White, yellow, blue, and pink pinpoints dotted the sky, eerie and strange. Their lights twinkling over a pink ocean. No constellations he knew up there.

Okay, entering freaky territory now.

Was this because of a gem monster or something? Oh! He needed to tell the Gems! They needed to know about this!!

Steven stumbled in his haste to get downstairs and tumbled the whole way down. Toes to the sky as he stopped in front of the door. The strumming drifted to a stop. Awww. Upside-down he glanced up and saw-

“Oh, it’s you guys!” Steven said, “Uhhh, why do you all look like me?”

A Steven held his ukulele, he wore the same exact thing as him, star shirt and all. But he had a _cool_ scar under his eye. Faint in the firelight but still there. Cool Steven and the other two Stevens sat on the floor around the table, like he’s seen the Gems do before missions.

Another Steven spoke up, “We’re from the future.”

“Whaaaaat!!!” Steven gasped, “Really?!”

The Steven nodded, he looked the most different out of all of them. Hmm, he’d call him Formal Steven! A pink suit with a cutout for his gem, and some snazzy white sandals. And even his eyes were pink too! Whoa, cool!! Did he get that in the future? Would his eyes turn pink one day? Gee, imagine the look on Dad’s face!

Cool Steven winked at him, “Yeah we are! Uh,” He glanced at the others, “Working on a top _secret_ gem mission!”

Formal Steven frowned while the other rolled his eyes. Steven skipped over to them and plopped himself on the floor to join them. At this point, he turned his sights to the third, and the last, Steven. He wore a white shirt, the only outwardly difference. But he didn’t smile, instead, there was a permanent pinch in his features. Like seconds away from crying or yelling. And silent too. Grumpy Steven, it is!

“So while you’re here, I wanted to figure out our names!” Cool Steven beamed, “Cause otherwise this is gonna get confusing.”

Steven looked around, “This is a really weird dream, cool me.”

Grumpy Steven snickered. Formal Steven looked down at the table, an unreadable expression on his face. This _is_ a dream, right? He had to tell Garnet all about it when he woke up. She liked to hear what he had to say. Cause she’s Garnet. Steven looked at his near-double, as beads of sweat dripped down his brow.

“This is a dream,” cool Steven said, “But we’re _real_ like you. Sorry. You got three new headmates now, surprise!”

Another snicker from Grumpy-Steven, his arms crossed as he sat back. A flash of anger crossed Cool Steven’s face. Oh gee, no wonder he insisted on names. This _was_ confusing. Cool-Steven glared daggers at the surely double.

“We know you don’t like to talk, Steven,” he said, still glaring, “But there’s no one else but yourself here! If you got something to say, say it, at least to us. Won’t hurt, promise.”

Grumpy-Steven held himself tighter, then a quiet and hoarse, “So names, huh?”

“Yep!!” Cool Steven brightened, “I thought we might divide our names up since we _are_ all Steven. Here I wrote it down,” He pushed three pieces of paper onto the table, “Steven, Quartz, and Universe!”

Formal Steven tilted his head, “But there’s four of us.”

“Yeah, but I figured something out,” Cool Steven pushed another piece of paper forward, “I don’t know if you guys knew this, but Mom gave us another name in case we turned out to be a girl,” His smile tightened a tad, “Nora, is what Dad and Mom chose. Weird name, huh?”

“I’ll take Universe,” Universe said, crinkling the paper into the pocket of his pink suit, “Makes sense to me as ‘Pink Diamond’, you know?”

“Quartz, that’s me,” Quartz said, his voice rough from disuse, “I’ve been called Rose Quartz enough times now, it might as well be my name. Right?”

A fist slammed down on the table.

All eyes snapped to Cool Steven, his face grim, “We’re **_not_ ** Rose Quartz, and we’re **_not_ ** Pink Diamond, what we are is _Steven._ ”

Quartz scoffed, “You say that like Rose Quartz and Pink Diamond are the same person.”

“They...they _are_?” Universe blinked, “I mean look at my eyes! I think that’s proof enough that Mom lied to us about everything. She lied about her shattering, so god knows what _else._ ”

Silence rang through the dream, echoing in light of Universe’s words.

“Uhhhm, you haven’t picked out a name yet?” Steven said, eyeing the last two pieces of paper on the table, “There’s just Steven and Nora left.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll take Nora,” Nora said, picking up his name with a grin, “You’re our lovely host, it’s only fair you get to keep your name for yourself!!”

“Oh! Thank yo-”

A flash of pink stopped Steven dead. The room lit up by a summoned shield, Quartz’ eyes narrowed into sharp pinpricks. The house darkened with shadows as the sky outside turned red. Anger. Bright and fierce in the undercurrent of their collective dream.

Steven took a step back.

“Quartz, what’s- **_AH_**!” Universe tumbled head over heels from the brunt of the shield thrown at him. Quartz snarled, a noise he never knew he could make, and dove after Universe. Quartz raised a fist as he sat on Universe, the other hand pinning the boy’s left wrist above him. Both of them shaking with sweat and tears.

“ _I GOT HURT FOR NOTHING?”_ Quartz shouted as he slammed a fist into Universe hard enough to smack against the floor, “ _I GOT TORTURED FOR_ **_A LIE?!_** _”_

A broken sob wrenched out of Quartz. Universe shoved at Quartz’ head of curls, his own tears agitating his bruises. Steven covered his face as more punches echoed in his mind. Nora sprang into action and pulled at Quartz’ arms, straining against him. An arm froze in mid-air as Nora held it back.

“Steven! Help me!” Nora shouted over his shoulder, “Come on! Pull Universe away or _something_ , help!”

“I didn’t ask for this either!” Universe snarled, his arm free and another pink flash of a shield summoned into existence, “ _SHE MADE US SO WE CAN FIX HER **MISTAKES**!” _

Quartz flinched the split-second before Universe slammed his shield into his gut. A sick thump of flesh. Nora’s grip the only thing that kept him standing. No! Stevens shouldn’t fight each other!! Steven pushed through the ice in his veins and _moved_.

“WAIIIIT!!!” Steven said, his arms wide to catch Universe into a hug, “Can’t we talk this out?!”

Steven strained against Universe’s squirms. So….strong!!! He heard Quartz snarl behind him. Okay, can’t let them go or they might hurt each other some more! Must….hold!! Steven grunted as he _pushed_ Universe to a safe distance a few feet away. Every step burned like fire in his muscles.

“I HATE MOM! I _HATE_ HER!” Quartz screamed, his sobs became muffled as he buried his screams into Nora’s shoulder, “She should be here instead of us. _Why_ are we here?”

Nora sniffled as he tightened his hug, “Because she wanted to.”

“She wanted to run away from her problems,” Universe snapped, letting the glow of his shield fade away, “Mom left us without a care and a war we couldn’t win. We were doomed from the start.”

Quartz collapsed as his knees failed, Nora fell with him. Universe own tears dripped down his chin. Steven didn’t know what they were talking about. Not a clue. But he knew it was about Mom. Whatever she did.

Steven knew that portrait of Mom hanged above them all. Loomed, even. So peaceful in her patient watch from the grave. It sounded like she did something bad, but that couldn’t be right at all!! Everyone missed her. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl. He could tell, by the way their faces scrunch up when they see him, that they see _her_ and not him. She was pretty great. And him...not at all.

“Well, I don’t know what you guys are talking ‘bout,” Steven said, letting Universe go with a drop of his arms, “But Dad said she did it because she loved us.”

Steven shrugged his shoulders as the others stared at him. Nora grinned weakly as Quartz rolled his eyes at him. Not impressed in the slightest. Nora spun Quartz around in a hug in lieu of an answer. Universe let out a big sigh as he put a hand on Steven's shoulder. Steven didn’t know what to make of Universe’s expression but he decided to take it as a yes! Steven giggled as the sky lightened outside.

A bright creamy sunrise rose above the pink frothing waves, filtering through the windows.

_Steven?_

Huh? A distant voice echoed at the back of his hearing. The other three cocked their heads in confusion. Then Nora straightened.

“Oh, You’re waking up!” Nora said, “There’s one last thing I need to say! You can’t let the Gems and Dad know about us.”

Steven cocked his arms on his hips, “Why not? Lying is _bad._ ”

“We’ll worry them and they don’t need that right now,” Nora said, then his smile faded, “Besides we decided it.”

Quartz scoffed, “More like outvoted me.”

“Hey!” Steven gasped, “Why didn’t I get to vote?”

Nora froze, then squeezed the limp Quartz closer in his arms like a grumpy cat. Steven squinted as Nora stuttered over an answer. Weird….

Universe poked his side, “Cause we’re older than you by like three years, so uh duh! Or that I outrank you.”

Nora giggled, “Universe come on. We’re all the same-”

_Steven? Wake up! Steven!_

**STEVEN!**

 

He woke up with a gasp. Steven panted as he shot up from his bed. Pearl’s hand rubbing down as his back as he blinked back the nonexistent sunrise on the back of his eyelids. Home again? No...no that was a dream. Sorta? Pearl shushed his gasping breaths as the world came back through his senses.

“Whoa whoa, it’s okay,” Dad said next to him, “Did you have a nightmare, Stu-ball?”

“What? No,” Steven looked between Pearl and Dad as they glanced at each other, “....why do you think so?”

“You were summoning shields in your sleep,” Pearl said, “You caused quite the damage, Steven. But d-don’t worry! We’ll buy you a new TV.”

Steven snapped his head to the foot of his bed, “Noooo!!!!”

He caught the last fades of a pink shield in his once brand new TV. They _just_ got that one a few weeks ago! Killed by a shield once again. Man, he needed to learn how to control this whole gem magic thing if he wanted to watch Crying Breakfast Friends.

Greg rubbed his head, “Must’ve been quite the nightmare.”

Something from the kitchen below clattered. The three of them whipped their heads to the sound. Steven internally groaned as he saw Universe sitting on the counter. He knocked a cup over by accident. Agh!

Quartz sat on the windowsill, wistfully staring outside. His pink glow eerie in the early two-am darkness of the morning. And Nora….where was he? Steven glanced around for the third ghost haunting him. Or new ‘headmate’ as he called it. Whatever.

“What is it?” Pearl’s voice cut through his concentration, “Are you okay?”

“O-oh, I’m fine, Pearl,” Steven said, looking around for nothing must look weird (whoops), “Don’t worry about me! Just thought I saw something…”

Haha! Spotted!! Nora banged on the warp pad, then let out a sigh on his failure. Did he still not know how to use the warps in the future? Wow, that’s rough. Maybe he should try to actually listen to Pearl one of these days….Nah.

“Really,” Steven beamed, “There’s totally nothing weird going on with me. And it’s nothing you should be worried about. Got it?”

Dad and Pearl glanced at each other again, then in unison, “Riiiiighht.”

“We believe you, Steven,” Dad smiled, unaware of the three pink ghosts that haunted his son, “Today you just gave us a scare. If you get another seizure again, tell us okay?”

Nora shouted, “That won’t happen, so it’s fine!”

Neither Pearl or Greg reacted to the shout. Huh? Then he remembered the Halloween special of Crying Breakfast Friends, oh right, _ghosts_. So no one else could hear or see them, whoa, he can’t believe he’s actually Spoon right now! Cool!!!

“It won’t happen again,” Steven said with a dismissive wave, “I’m pretty sure.”

“How do you know?”

“Uhhhh,” Steven blanked, “Cause _I_ know?”

Maybe this might be harder than he thought. Dad and Pearl did that look over his head again. As if he didn’t notice at all! He sighed but he let the two of them tuck him back into bed again. He fell back into the warmth of sleep.

No dreams until morning came.

* * *

A few days passed by. Just the four of them settling around in their new situation. Sometimes Universe cried when he ate PB&J, thank goodness the others weren’t there to see it, cause that would’ve been awkward. Universe apparently hasn’t eaten in a year. Must be on a weird diet of _not eating_.

Steven didn’t want to think about it too hard. Instead, he savored his microwave mac and cheese more. However, it meant he didn’t have to eat alone anymore! The Gems were out on missions a lot and it got...pretty lonely sometimes. Even if he tried to get them together for breakfast but they didn’t eat. Now his meals were filled with music and chatter, even if no one else could hear it.

Quartz doodled in a journal as he sat on the couch. He didn’t talk much but that was fine! Nora liked to sing and tell him all sorts of tricks. Like putting soy sauce into microwave spaghetti to make it taste less bland. What a genius! He strummed a simple tune as he sat upside down next to Quartz. Universe stared hungrily at his bowl of mac and cheese, his eyes sparkling with stars.

Maybe he could let him take the wheel for a little bit in a few minutes! If he didn’t, probably Universe’ strong feelings for food would be enough to take it anyway. Steven giggled as he remembered being a pink ghost. It was tingly and fun floating around! Only Universe couldn’t be in the front as often. Since his eyes turned pink when he took over.

Not exactly subtle.

Especially when this was a _secret_. He didn’t get why still. But he trusted himself! All three of them! Cause they were still _Steven._ He took another munch out of his mac and cheese, and by the way Universe tracked the movement, as a Steven that meant liking mac and cheese. Obviously.

The temple doors opened with a hum. He froze as the floating ukulele and journal clattered to the floor. Steven clutched his bowl closer as the Gems walked out of the temple and onto the warp pad.

“Steven?” Garnet said, “You ready for your first mission?”

He gasped. _No way, no way, NO WAY!!!_ Steven shoved his bowl onto the table and stumbled over himself as he ran over. Finally! Then a soft draft made his skin shiver. Universe rushed past him. Nora’s giggles as he dragged Quartz behind. Steven screeched to a stop as he saw his family and three pink ghosts blinking back at him.

His family and his brothers.

(Did clones count as brothers?)

(If not, then that was dumb.)

Oh! Steven turned around to pick up the wayward objects on the floor. He pulled his ukulele over his shoulder, the straps soft even through his shirt. Well worn and frayed. Then he shoved the journal and pen into his back pocket. Steven turned back to the warp pad.

Quartz' eyes wide open with shock, then for the first time, had the ghost of a smile across his face. Nora giggled behind a hand, more amused than anything. Universe stood like Garnet, more of a leader than a boy. Steven bounded up to the warp pad, everyone's eyes on his odd choices of props. What? They wanted it!!

Steven bounced on his feet as he waited for the warp pad to flash. His first mission! With everyone!! Gosh, he can't mess up. A fist pounded his shoulder, and he turned to see Nora shoot finger guns at him. Hmm, he wondered if the other gems felt how crowded the warp pad was.

In a flash of blue light, they were gone.

* * *

 "Pay attention Steven," Garnet said, her words held no room for argument, "This is going to be your first serious mission. You need to be ready."

Steven giggled as he let the warp turn and tumble him. The pink ghosts beneath him stood all proper and right. That ain't fun! He wiggled his toes head above heel, and stuck out his tongue as everything went topsy-turvy.

"Yes, I'm ready! I'm so ready!" Steven said.

"Steven come on, you're going to make yourself sick," Pearl spun him back the right way up, then grunted in pain, "Why did you bring that?"

Whoops, he didn't mean to hit her with his ukulele. But but _but,_  he had to bring it! How else was Nora make his beautiful songs? Maybe he could be like the weird music that plays whenever Lonely Blade does something cool? That would be so awesome!

"I wanted to bring it for me!" Steven sweated, (it was true!), "And I like it!! Right?"

"Well yeah," Nora scrunched his face up, "But missions aren't the greatest place for a ukulele, Steven. Sorry, that's the way it has to be."

"Awwww!" Steven pouted, "Wait, oh no!"

He watched with wide eyes as his beloved and beautiful ukulele float off higher into the warp stream. He had to go get it! Steven pushed off the zero-gravity to swim after it. Pearl’s squawking a distant warning.

A whoosh of pink light, and with soft eyes, Universe handed him back his ukulele. His pink pupils twinkling with mirth. Again he wondered how he could look pretty like him. Then with a pop, the warp deactivated.  

Strawberries shoved up his nose and overpowered his senses. He sat up with a squelch as more juices dripped between his fingers. Eugh. He heard more of Pearl’s concerned noises. He grinned at the crushed strawberries staining every part of him, bright red against his pale skin.

“I’m fine! I’m good, just…” Steven trailed off, as he stared at the dripping red juice. The world grew more distant, the grass beneath him faded away. Different voices, both familiar and yet not, at the edges of his hearing. Red, and more red, stained his arms and more thick than before.

W-what?

“Steven!”

His head shot up to see Nora, his hands tight as vices on his shoulders. His eyes slid past him and realized they weren’t in the strawberry fields anymore. A dark room with three diamond symbols lighting up the floor, and two big thrones. A gasp caught in his throat, _giant women!_ One yellow and one blue.

“Whoa!” Steven grinned as he pointed, ignoring how his arms dripped still, “Who are they!”

_Steven? Steven, what’s going on?_

Nora shushed him, “This isn’t real! We’re uh, seeing a memory I think? But I don’t think it’s mine…” He shook his head, “Steven, you need to be quiet! I think the others can still hear you, so uh, please be quiet?”

_What are you seeing, weirdo?_

Steven nodded, then noticed the rest of the room. Then he stopped short. Quartz kneeling in a puddle of blood, and Steven couldn’t process his frantic words as he saw Universe. Another version of himself. His pink sleeves dripping with red, _red,_ **_red_** _._ So tiny compared to the giant women crying on their thrones.

Universe’s voice croaked out, “Am I still on trial?”

“No!” Quartz said, then pulled Universe’s trembling hand onto his own chest, “Come on, breath with me. In for eight. One, two, three…”

Tiny legs and white wings overtook his vision. Ahh! Steven ran away from the fluttering monsters eating his eyeballs!! He let panic take over the wheel, the world a confusing mess beyond the white butterflies, switching between daylight and darkness. Bright red or dark red. The faint snaps of twigs underfoot contrasting the smooth floors of his...daydream?

Oomph!

Steven groaned in pain, he had tripped. Ow. Then a whoosh overhead and his vision came back to him. Sunlight filtered around the shadow of Garnet’s smile. Tears pricked at the edges of his vision as he looked up at her. Did Gems have daydreams like that sometimes? Hmm, he’d say he didn’t like them one bit.

“They’re just butterflies, Steven,” Garnet’s voice a soothing balm to the butterflies in his _own_ stomach, “That’s who or rather, what they are.”

“Oh! Oh right,” Steven forgot the weird question he asked earlier, “Well, they looked a lot bigger when they were on my eyeballs.”

He stood back up, Amethyst cackling as Pearl hum-hawed about his presence again. He better not mess this up. Lots rode on this! Steven held the straps of his ukulele tighter against him. Yeah! He can totally do this!

Steven glanced at his pink ghosts again. Nora and Quartz talked quietly to Universe, his face dark with shadows despite the warm morning twinkling through their light-forms. At least he didn’t seem so freaked out anymore. Then he shook his head as he went to catch up with the Gems.

Weird pyramid place here we go!

Steven didn’t need to turn around to know they followed him, as hauntings often did.

Pearl whispered to Garnet under her breath, “I’m having second thoughts on bringing Steven on this mission.”

Garnet didn’t answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alrighty new update in the bag!! yay!! leave me some kudos and comments on what you think? :P
> 
> so I won't be re-hashing all of the episodes again, just letting you know! But next chapter is gonna be Serious Steven, so that's gonna be fun!!! If you haven't figured out already, things are gonna get affected by having like _three extra Stevens_ and I don't think it's gonna be all for the worse...You'll see :D! 
> 
> cookie points for anyone who remembers what episode was before "Serious Steven" ;))) 
> 
> ANYWAY ANYWAY, I'm gonna have fun with this fic so much >:3c since it's not gonna be trauma and #feelings for the entire fic, actual plot will be a thing...changing the future is gonna require a little more...changing minds than just Steven's.


	3. same door, different room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I think there's a flaw in my code_   
>  _These voices won't leave me alone_   
>  _Well my heart is **gold** and my hands are **cold**_
> 
> Gasoline by Halsey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warnings:** non-graphic panic attack, language, 
> 
> **Notes:** Wow I haven't updated in a while! Mid-terms is very mean I have to say :( but I'm back! Spring break, baby. Time to update my fics! Also I really hope you enjoy this chapter, because it wasn't cooperating at _all._ However I hope the longer length makes up for the long wait...I'm just happy that it's finally out so thank the gods. Aka me. Bow to your enby god. Pffft, anyway have fun :D!

“Whoa!” Steven said as he craned his head to look at the mural on the walls. Nora looked up too, his eyes narrowing while Steven’s sparkled. Just like the drawing from Buddy’s journal but in full detail. Nora swallowed back the memories welling up at the back of his mind at the faded pink lady on the old walls. Mom…

“Huh,” Universe said next to him, “I can read this. Kinda.”

All three boys turned to face him.

“What?” Universe looked away, “Blue Pearl started teaching me since no one wanted a diamond monarch that can’t read their own reports. Like!” Universe pointed to the ships drawn behind the Pink Lady, “That’s the number of how many ships landed here, but uh...it’ll take me a while to figure it out. Sorry.”

“Steven?”

None of them could help the ingrained instinct to turn to face Pearl. Her face scrunched again in that ‘You’re doing something Weird’ face. Steven laughed her concern off and skipped ahead to join them. Nora smiled, always trying to fix his family right from the start. He ignored the bubbling bitterness in some buried part of his mind. Steven needed to enjoy these wonderful days as long he could.

Nora drew up his shoulders, “Okay, Steven-squad do any of you remember our first mission?”

Quartz waved his hand while Universe shrugged his shoulders. Fair enough, life-altering traumatic events tended to do that. He couldn’t remember his 12th birthday anymore either. Nora looked around at the mural again. Buddy Budwick didn’t draw _all_ of it down, now that he thought about it.

“Quartz, do you want to stay and draw?” Nora said, then relaxed as Quartz’ eyes sparkled with silent relief, “Try to get all of it down. All of us can try to analyze it later! You’d be a huge help.”

Quartz nodded and gave him a thumbs up. Still not much of a talker. He figured as much, Stevens were always the same across timelines huh? Nora wished he told his family more of the nightmares that haunted him at night. But the words never came. Nora shoved down the worry that they’ll all succumb to the same fate.

The best diplomat in the entire galaxy falling silent one day.

“Steven, Quartz wants his journal!” Nora called, pushing as much happy-go-lucky into it, “He wants to draw the stuff up here!! Just put it on the ground okay!”

“You got it, dude!” Steven giggled, and Nora resisted the urge to slap his face. He didn’t miss the flash of confusion on the Gems’ faces at his shout at nothing. Ah, geez. Well he supposed he’s never been too good at being subtle, but he forgot it was _this_ bad. Steven pulled the journal out of the back pocket of his jeans and fumbled with the pen.

Steven set the journal and the pen onto the ground. Spent a few seconds adjusting the pen perfectly straight on top of it. Then he walked away with a poorly hidden smile. Like he left a nice present. Garnet raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. Nora didn’t know how long they could fool her, but he hoped a while.

A long while.

Nora beamed as Quartz sat down in front of the journal. Thankfully self-aware enough to know that he couldn't pick it up yet. Not when Pearl did those squinty eyes almost right where he sat. Staring at what was supposedly empty space. Then at the journal.

“Steven, why did you-” Pearl started to say.

Winds blew through the room, swirling toward a hole in the ceiling like a drain. Steven standing over a tipped triangle like a caught criminal. _Steven!_ Nora let himself follow the wailing gales toward the hole. Universe by his side as he caught those pink eyes, _protect Steven?_

_Of course._

Far below, Quartz clung onto his journal and drew careful lines of hands clawing up the grey marble toward a forsaken star. 

* * *

Nora landed light on his feet onto the ground. His hand on the stone then stood up to face all danger. Graceful and sure. Universe next to him floated down with his toes pointed downwards like a ballerina. His dignified display only amplified by his neat suit.  

_“Your manners, Steven!” Pearl’s voice said strained._

Nora shook his head of the memories. The Diamonds must’ve trained Universe well. If he kept this up, they might experience a hardcore flashback. And no one wanted that. Pink Diamond-esque mannerisms around the only person with some of Pink Diamond’s memories only spelled out disaster. Great!

Steven belly-flopped onto the ground with a grunt. Nora winced, that looked like that hurt. Steven shook it off and caught up with the others standing in the center of the new room. Nora looked around at the doors in all directions. Doors to unknown dangers.

“Looks like we’ll have to split up,” Amethyst said.

“Right! Steven and I will stay here where it seems to be safe,” Pearl cocked her hands on her hips, “While you guys go and solve the mystery of this place.”

“Wait! I want to solve the mystery of this place!” Steven protested.

“Yeah, cmon Steven!” Amethyst cackled, her arms reaching to grab Steven up, “Let’s solve th–”

Garnet held up her hand, “Steven goes with me.”

“Really?” Steven beamed, “Awesome!!”

Unease roiled through Nora, he didn’t remember much about this mission. So far back in the recesses of his memory that got half-written over with everything that’s happened in the past few years. But he had a feeling this was something _new_. Nora shot a glance at Universe, and he didn’t look happy either. Good. At least he’s not alone about how _wrong_ it all felt.

He sighed, mystery upon mystery. Ain’t that the way? Nora shook his head and drifted after them. At least he could try not to get his past self killed. He’s already seen himself die enough times.

“But this could be like the teacups all over again!” Pearl’s voice echoed behind them. Then the door slammed. What? What did that mean?

“Teacups?” Universe floated above them, “I don’t remember that?”

“O-oh it was,” Steven started to say, then remembered his audience, “I can’t believe Pearl would remember that, it was two weeks ago! I’m over it!!” Steven hunched into his shoulders, “Bet I’m still banned from Funland, aren’t I?”

Universe crossed his arms, “Hmmm, I don’t know. I haven’t been to Funland in a year. Or Earth...for that matter. Sorry.”

Steven stopped walking at that. Some croaks fell out then he covered up his mouth. Garnet hadn’t noticed he stopped dead in his tracks. Universe curled into a ball under Steven’s slack stare. Nora didn’t have the complete picture of what this Steven went through, but he got enough. Enough to understand.

“Actually, we did get unbanned from Funland!” Nora cut in, drifting in front of Universe and plastered on a smile, “Until we got banned again for something else. I don’t know how Mr. Smiley still likes us, haha.”

“Steven, are you ready?” Garnet’s voice called from ahead.

 _Pay attention to her, instead. Please._ Nora pleaded silently to the boy below him. _You don’t want to see us at our worst. At our most broken. We’re not a happy story, Steven._

“Ye-yeah!” Steven let his hands drop, “I’m coming!”

The door opened to reveal a new room. Blue panels lit up, checkering the floor in a pattern. Nora didn’t have to hear Garnet’s explanation to stay on the panels. Well good thing he could just drift above them! The two ghosts watched Steven bounce from panel to panel. He giggled as Steven cheered his victory on the last one.

“Wooo!!!” Steven said, then the whole room rumbled. Shaking hard enough for Steven to stumble onto the ground. Red lit up the whole death trap of a room. Lava swirled and licked at the air as parts of the floor fell in. Right into certain doom. Steven’s face paled at the sight.

“Hey, that’s cheating!” Nora shouted at the walls, “Hold on, Steven!”

Steven clung onto a marble block with his fingernails, so close to the lava below.

“He’s not gonna make it!” Universe’s panic bright like a firework in their mind, “What do we do?! What do we–”

“It’s time…” Nora pushed through the air down at Steven, “to switch it up!”

Nora crashed into physicality with a grunt. Heat and exhaustion pummeled his senses. He ignored Steven’s giggles in the distance, he was safe. For now. Incorporeality didn’t get any damage but the same couldn’t be said for their body. The flames roared beneath him.

“Steven!” Garnet shouted.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, _come on_. Nora dug his fingers into the stone until it bent into a handhold. Good, now just gotta–

A hand landed on the back of his shirt. Nora looked up into Universe’s eyes with a grin to match. Then the world blurred as Universe threw him into the air. Away from the fire and lava. Then the air turned syrupy and thick enough to float on.

He bumped against the ceiling like a balloon.

“Whoa!!!” Steven held his face in amazement, “We can do that? Teach me, teach me, teach me!! That’s so cool!”

A slam below snapped Nora out of replying. Garnet landed on the same block where he was a few seconds ago. Her hand gripped at emptiness. Nora’s eyes widened, _future vision_. He didn’t know what it meant if Garnet couldn’t predict them. Hmm, probably not good things. Like most of the time.

“Steven?” Garnet looked around, her voice strained, “Where are you?”

“Up here!” Nora waved, “In the skyyyyy! Haha, must be a wacky new power, huh?” He shrugged his shoulders, “That I totally discovered just now!”

“Oh,” Garnet adjusted her glasses then flipped onto the solid floor in front of the exit, “Great job. Now how will you get down, Serious Steven?”

“Nooooo!!” Steven tumbled head over heel, heedless of any control on how to orient himself in zero-g space, “I wanted her to say great job to me! Man….I want to be cool like you.”

“We could teach you!” Universe floated over to Steven and pulled him right-side up, “You’re gonna be pretty lucky to have us. No one knew what we could do so we kinda had to figure it out on our own.”

“Can I float?” Steven whispered.

Nora nodded. Another cheer over the bubbling lava below. Man, where did all his easy happiness go? Oh wait, he must’ve left it back where the Earth used to be. With his friends and family and everyone else he ever knew. Right right, of course.

The syrup lightened and he fell toward the ground. Whoops! Nora threw out his arms and thought of–

_Connie’s pink blush when they danced on his 15th birthday. Her smile when their favorite song came on. One of the Dogcopter OVAs. Steven’s clammy hands when he held hers. Twined, hand in hand. The whole memory cast in shades of gold from the fairy lights strewn in the barn rafters. Her eyes twinkled like stars, staring right back._

Nora came to a full stop.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Nora laughed uneasily, “Don’t worry! Just lost my grip for a hot second. Get it? _Hot_ second.”

Garnet hummed, “If you want, I can try to pull you down or catch you?”

“No, no, I can do this!” Nora sucked in a breath. _It’s nothing I haven’t done before, anyway_. Nora glanced toward Steven pouting below him. Well, nothing was a greater teaching moment than the threat of death! But he couldn’t quite _voice_ his idea.

Hmm, what to do? Then it hit him. Of course, they all had the same _mind_. Idiot! He could just talk to him, right? Psychic connections were a classic psychic ghost trope. Obviously. Nora pressed his presence deeper into the mindscape as he scrunched up his eyes. If he could get through to two stubborn Diamonds then this had to be small potatoes.

_Steven? Steven! Can you hear me?_

_…Are you in my head?_

_Well I already am, but that’s not the point! Let’s switch places again!! Ask Universe to throw you at me while I’m landing okay?_

_Aye aye! I got it!!_

Nora let out a sigh of relief at Steven’s all too excited question to Universe a few seconds later. Garnet adjusted her stance, tension all along her shoulders. It wasn’t something he would’ve picked up at the age Steven was now, but he knew. How hard Garnet appeared to be strong. To step up as a leader.

Universe held Steven above his head, “Missile armed.”

“Wooo!” Steven giggled, “Launch me! Launch me!! Let’s go!!”

Nora shoved against the syrupy air and let himself fall. A calculated streak toward the end of the room. Negative thoughts seeped in like sand through an hourglass, slow and controlled. Total discipline over the butterflies that nipped at his heels. The floor came closer and closer.

Steven slammed into him. Mind and soul pushing for the wheel. His momentum as a ghost didn’t stop and he landed with a roll on the stone. He spun back into a stand, old muscle memory from so many training sessions. Steven landed with a clumsy thud at Garnet’s feet.

“Perfect...landing,” Steven winced through grit teeth as he stood up, “Yup.”

They walked through to another room, the door slamming behind them. Steven startled and even looked a little green. Oh boy. Nerves. Universe drifted down to lay a comforting hand on Steven’s shoulder. Nora walked up to lay a hand on his other shoulder.

“We can take a break if you’re not feeling well, Steven,” Garnet said.

“Yeah,” Nora agreed, “No shame in taking a little break!”

“Huh? Oh no. I’m okay!” Steven shook off their hands, “Let’s keep going!”

Nora and Universe glanced at each other as Steven took to studying the walls. One of their best and few lies they liked to say: _I’m fine!_ Nora sighed and let it slide. He could talk to Steven later about it. Everyone had limits. Nora only survived long as he had by knowing them.

“Maybe there’s a clue hidden in these ancient drawings…” Steven said, then glanced to Universe. He pointed to the triangles drawn on the walls. Universe tapped his chin and studied them.

“It says that there’s a lot of triangles hidden somewhere in this room,” Universe said as he squinted around, “But I don’t think you should touch anythin–”

Steven pushed a section of the wall in.

Nora yelped as a spike went through him, slamming the ground hard enough to shake the whole room. Didn’t do anything beyond a strange tingly feeling. Universe threw himself to the other side of the room. Steven missed a spike by mere centimeters. His sandal and a part of his shirt the only casualties. Despite the half-torn shirt and missing shoes, he reached for his ukulele. Under a spike barreling down for it.

Nora acted on instinct, his feet faster than any boy his age. He threw himself down at the instrument and picked it up. He shoved it forward into Steven’s waiting arms hard enough to send him stumbling back. His vision went dark, the spiked death-hammer no doubt. Then a split second later it went back up into the ceiling.

Nora shoved himself through the air toward the exit. The other three already there. Steven fiddled with his ukulele, tuning it idly. Garnet smile for a moment before it disappeared. She adjusted her glasses with a hum.

“No, that’s A sharp,” Universe said, his fingers made an aborted motion to hold the guitar, “A little lower…”

Another pang.

“No, that’s not it either,” Nora sighed, then held out his arms, “Give it to me, I’ve been handling that old thing a lot longer than either of you. And I’ll get it done quicker too.”

Steven handed it over. Nora’s fingers deftly danced over the strings and twisted the heads around. Notes played up and down the neck as he listened for the right pitch. He ignored Garnet’s stare as he adjusted the ukulele back to perfection. Now he remembered this was the reason he didn’t bring it along on missions anymore. He’d _hate_ to lose it.

Nora handed it back into Steven’s waiting arms. He giggled and pulled the straps back over his head and skipped into the next room. Garnet stared at the empty space in front of him before she turned around too. They followed along like the good little ghosts they were. Nora turned over plausible excuse after excuse to tell Garnet about floating guitars tuning themselves.

“That was a pretty….close one,” Steven said almost strained with forced cheeriness, “We...really could’ve gotten hurt.”

Then they took in the next room. More like a long tunnel funneling towards the exit. Blades swung through the air, lava fell down from the ceiling, and merciless spikes pummeled the few floating platforms. Steven took a step back, looking more green than ever. He clutched his stomach as sweat dripped down his neck. Nora’s stomach wiggled with worry.

Steven was only _twelve_.

What were the Gems _thinking_ to bring him here? Nora hesitated. They were his family but not like he knew them. A few years really made a difference. None of them knew what they were doing and it showed. Painfully. Nora glanced at Garnet’s fingers, free of all wedding rings, and his heart _ached_. Garnet really tried more than any of them to understand him. To understand Steven as _Steven_ than Rose.

“Get ready, Steven,” Garnet said from behind them, “This is gonna be intense.”

Reality dripped away like ice cream. Nora stepped back as Steven clutched his head and curled into himself. Splotchy blue streaks made up the sky, and he recognized the signs as Funland, and...they were in the teacups. Didn't Mr. Smiley discontinue that a while back? Distant laughter filled the air.

“Get ready, Steven!” Garnet beamed, a floating face in the memory flashback, “This is going to be intense!”

The sky streaked like wet paint as the teacups whirled and spun. Blue watercolors rotting away to sickly green flakes, as the sky fell away. The laughter turned cruel and mocking. Garnet’s face contorted into a grimace, disappointment twisting her features. Steven whined as he scrunched his eyes up as Garnet’s face grew larger and turned into Mr. Smiley.

“I think I need to get off this ride now!” Steven’s voice rang through the memory, but his lips didn’t move. Ah, what he said then. Then it hit Nora like a whip to the head. This... _this_ was the first time Mr. Smiley banned them from Funland. Oh.

“Steven! It’s okay!” Nora shouted over the wind, “Take deep breaths!”

“Don’t worry I got him!” Universe said, hopping from teacup to teacup to get closer to the panicking boy, “You should go back out there! Take over!”

Nora nodded.

He pushed his presence toward the forefront of the mind. Steven gave under little resistance. Hmm, worrying but that was a problem for another day. Nora took gasping breaths, lungs filling his chest again for the second time that day. He opened his eyes back in the real world.

Garnet paused, her hands clearly about to pick him up, “Are you alright, Steven?”

Waves of panic bombarded him and his stomach turned over with queasiness. _No, not really,_ he wanted to answer. But then again, he hasn’t been okay in several months. Or like, ever. Nora pulled his ukulele over his head and fell against the door. He cuddled his guitar like he used to do with Cat-Steven, close and gentle.

Garnet kneeled in front of him, “Steven?”

“How about…” Nora swallowed back bile, “We take that break now?”

He could go past this room by himself but then he remembered Steven. How _much_ he wanted to prove himself to the Gems. He’s been there too. Nora couldn’t just let that opportunity slip away! And besides, this was a great chance to actually _teach_ Steven something! He carefully picked the room apart as he strummed idly.

Garnet sat down next to him. Also waiting, no doubt. Nora plucked the notes to a song long gone. Or long in the future? He didn’t know. Stupid time travel stuff. Nora studied the various platforms and paths to get through. Not through the falling lava ones of course. But the spikes are hard to dodge. Hmm…

 _Pop_.

Steven sat down next to him, twiddling his thumbs and not looking up. Universe sat on the other side of him. The three of them looked again at the tunnel, with floating platforms in a linear path to the end. Drenched in lava and flames, he didn’t blame Steven for freaking out at all. It definitely looked deadly.

“Sorry you had to wait for me,” Steven said almost too quiet to be heard over the thumps of the spikes, “You could’ve gone ahead already.”

“Not without you!” Universe protested, “Plus I think Nora had an idea…”

Nora nodded, _We need to switch around and then we can guide you through this room._

Steven hugged him and Nora tumbled right out. He glanced down at his hands, pink and ethereal, and clenched them in his resolve. This time, he promised to himself, no more mistakes. Steven stood up and put his ukulele back over his shoulder. Universe stood by them, and the three of them stood at the edge of the platform.

“Hm, ready?” Garnet said as she stood up and smiled, “You got this, Steven. I’ll be behind you all the way.”

“Right!” Steven flexed, “Cause this is Serious Steven business now!”

“Okay, Steven gang here’s the plan,” Nora grinned as they huddled, “Steven, we’ll teach you how to float because you’re going to need that to jump platform to platform. I’ll be able to summon a shield for you,” Nora summoned a shield, and Steven’s own gem glowed in synchronization, then let it fade away after his demonstration, “And Universe, you can summon bubbles so we don’t get squished.”

“I like it, but what do we do with the swinging scythes?” Universe asked, “We can’t exactly poof with a body. Plus the floor is spiked.”

“Good point, other me,” Nora tapped his chin, “Why not we jump over it? Fewer chances of being cut to pieces then.”

Steven gulped as he looked up at the small gap between the gigantic blades and the ceiling. Probably doubting he could jump that high. Nora resisted the urge to snicker, he’s jumped far higher than that. And with all of the happiness that came from blissful childhood innocence, Nora had no doubt Steven would be able to do the jump with ease.

“Listen, you want to know how to float?” Nora said, Steven eagerly nodded, “Then you have to think happy thoughts. Our powers are tied to our emotions, and that one is connected to happiness.”

“I usually think about the Gems,” Universe offered, “They always cheer me up. I just think about when I’ll see them again. If I ever will.”

“Or something else,” Nora cut in with as he sweated, “Could be a donut or Connie or Lion….or just anything at all. And then you just jump!”

Steven took in a breath. Then two. Nora pushed off the floor to drift along whenever he was ready. Universe did the same with a dainty leap into the air and stayed there. Nora let his gem stir with anticipation of summoning his shield. No one was dying on his watch. Especially not his past self at that.

Steven leaped into the air and for a heart-stopping moment, gravity tugged his feet back down, the universe resisting. Nora grit his teeth. He waited for the magic to kick in. Then all at once, it did. His flip-flops slipped off as he floated into the air. His toes wiggled as he floated higher and higher to the ceiling. Toward the gap.

“Hey! I did it!” Steven giggled, then waved down to Garnet, “See look, I did it!!!”

“Great job!” Garnet called back, then flipped through the blades onto the next platform far below, “Be careful, Steven!”

Steven pushed through the air and through the gap. Nora and Universe close by as he drifted along. Then a loud hiss and _heat_ their only warning of the danger above. A panel slid back to reveal bubbling lava. Universe grunted as he summoned a bubble and the lava dripped down the smooth sides. Sizzling as it made contact with the cool surface.

“Ah! I’m falling, what do I do?!” Steven yelped as he started to drift down, feet-first into the spikes far below, “Help!”

“Put your hands down!” Nora shouted, “I’ll make a shield, Universe keep the bubble up long as you can!”

“Hmph!” Universe splayed out his arms as he braced himself.

Steven held his hands below him as a shield popped into existence below their bubble. Nora grimaced as the ground drew closer and closer. Steven whimpering between the two ghosts. Garnet’s shout behind them as they plummeted.

“Happy thoughts!” Universe shouted, “Hap–”

The shield slammed down onto the spikes. Shocks ran up Nora’s arms enough to make his metaphorical teeth rattle. He grit past the pain and friction. Universe grunted as they bounced against the shield. Back high in the air and rolled onto a platform. A rattling roar accompanied the spiked hammer barreling down from above, spikes shining in the firelight. Steven screamed as spikes filled his vision.

“Hands up!”

Steven stiffened and reacted in the nick of the time. Nora’s shield large enough to stop the thing in its tracks. Nora’s arms trembled as sweat dripped down the back of his neck. All ten tons of deadly force pressing down to crush them.

“Steven!” Universe shook Steven out his stupor, “Think happy thoughts and jump!”

“I can’t!”

“Please!” Nora said, his lungs burning with effort, “I can’t hold this up much longer!”

Steven swallowed, “Okay, okay...STRAWBERRY DONUTS!”

They jumped again into the air. Nora slid the shield off, and the whole tunnel rattled as the spiked hammer slammed onto the platform behind them. Steven pushed through the air, again going through the gap between the scythes and the ceiling. Then they fell back down again.

“LONELY BLADE!” Steven shouted as he pushed off the next platform, the roar of the flames muffled beyond the bubble. He even held up his hands at the right times without Nora having to remind him. Quick learner. Then again, life or death situations tended to do that. Pearl could be tedious but at least she didn’t try to kill them if they made a mistake. Well, most of the time.

“DAD!” Steven said again, “Almost there!”

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Steven landed onto the last platform at the end of the room. All three of them collapsed into an exhausted heap, the shield and bubble fading away into pink flakes. Nora sighed as he let himself flop against the hot granite of the platform, his bones (did he even have bones?) and lungs ached. Maybe using a gem with three people at once wasn’t the greatest of ideas, but Steven didn’t know how to use it yet.

Garnet landed in front of them with a triple backflip. Showoff. Then without a word, peeled Steven off the floor and into her enveloping arms, and walked into the final hallway. Steven didn’t resist at all beyond a small yawn. Nora pushed off the floor to kick himself up back into drifting behind them. Universe rubbed his eyes as he drifted along too. Nora yawned. Maybe they’ve earned their early afternoon nap for the day.

They arrived back where they started. The center with all of the entrances beckoning into the unknown and no progress made at all. Nora glanced upwards to the sealed-off room above, where Quartz was still hard at work. All things considered, probably a good thing he hadn’t come along on this adventure. Who knew what triggers he had ringing around in that head of his? Nora could account for Universe’s with his own trip to Homeworld, but clearly not all of them. The strawberries attested to that. He’s always been squeamish about blood anyway, so not much change there.

“Garnet!” Pearl shouted in relief as she ran over, “This place is a death trap!!”

Amethyst ran into one door and came out several seconds later in a door next to it. She screamed and yanked on her hair. Again and again, she ran into one door and came out right where she started. Right here at the center.

“Get me out of here!” Amethyst screamed, then ran in again, “Ahhhh!!!!”

She slid out from a door frozen in a block of ice.

Pearl yelped and ran over to chip her out with her spear, “This place is a death trap!”

Steven gulped, “What do we do?”

Garnet’s grip tightened on Steven.

“Garnet?” Steven said as she didn’t so much twitch, “Are you okay? I’m–I’m sure we’ll figure something out!” Steven twisted around in her arms to hold her face and beamed, “Like you guys always do, right? Garnet? Garnet!”

Nora’s fists twitched to form a shield, the tense silence setting off too many alarms.

“I don’t know what to do, Steven,” Garnet said at last, her voice above a whisper, “An option is that we go back in. Again, and again, and again, and again.”

Universe groaned, “Nooooo!!! That’s not a _plan_!”

“I really don’t want to die again,” Nora grimaced, then shot Universe a grin, “In fact, you could say if we go with that plan it would be a _grave_ mistake.”

Universe laughed and high-fived him, “Yeah! Man, I just realized we can make so many death and ghost puns now. My eyes have been opened to the possibilities.”

Nora giggled, “I can see right through you! Get it? Hey Steven!” He waved down at him, “Get it? Don’t worry, your first death isn’t that bad, we’ll be right there to help you through the experience.”

Steven whimpered, “NOOOO!!!”

The whole room fell into silence from the outburst.

“Steven?” Pearl said gently as her spear fell away from hacking away at Amethyst’s ice cube, “It’s okay. We’ll uh...think of something like you said.”

“This is just like the teacups!” Steven said, then gasped, “This is just the teacups!! That’s why we’re getting so lost, and why I feel so sick! The rooms are spinning us around so we end up back here!”

Garnet set Steven back on the ground with a smile. Then several feet away, punched away at the floor, right through the diamond insignia at the center. After several pummelings from her gauntlet, the whole floor shook and fell away to reveal a mechanism far below. Platforms spun around a statue housing a gem in its chest at the far bottom of the whirling pandemonium.

“This is unbelievable!” Pearl said, a hologram of a teacup projecting out of her head, “This gem-powered mechanism is manipulating the rooms above! Just like the rides at Funland!!”

“Steven already figured that out!” Garnet called back.

“Oh.”

Nora squinted through the wind and down at the statue. All three of them gasped at the white gem that sparkled in the chest cavity of it. The obelisk had the symbol of a white triangle pointed downward on its forehead and that small detail shouldn’t mean anything but Nora had a bad feeling. He captured it all so at least he could draw it later. Maybe he could ask Quartz to compile a sketch folder of all the weird gem stuff they might find.

Universe pointed toward the gem, “We need to get that!”

Nora shook his head, right! Thinking for later!

Nora clapped Steven’s shoulder, “Nice job! Knew you could figure it out, younger me! Remember, happy thoughts!”

Steven nodded with a grin, then turned to face Garnet, “Garnet, I need to get off this ride now!”

He propelled himself down to the next platform below, Garnet’s hand a second too slow to hold him back in time. Nora lingered long enough to see Garnet’s frown before he followed. Steven’s whispers of more ‘happy thoughts’ under his breath made each landing light and surefooted. Pearl and Amethyst shouting for him to be careful far above. Nora appreciated it, but Steven would be fine. Especially with his ghosts there to help!

“And Connie!” Steven shouted as he jumped toward the statue and held it tight between his arms, “Yes, I got it!”

Nora took the chance to look around the hovering obelisk for any more clues. Universe shouted encouragements at Steven in the meantime. Four painted expressions on the pyramid face, three frowning and one smiling. He floated around to take a look at the gem face of the body. His eyes widened. No way…

A dark symbol of an elongated diamond sat on its stomach. Just like Pink’s...Nora looked back up at the corrupted gem that powered the whole mechanism. The same place on the chest where Blue and Yellow had their gems. He...he didn’t know what it meant yet. Nora swallowed a lump back at his throat.

Steven shouldn’t know about the Diamonds yet.

Maybe not ever.

A boom echoed as Steven pulled out the gem at last. The platforms, the walls, and the whole structure lit up into a white glow and disintegrated away to retreat back into the gem. Nora and Universe squinted against the glare. A great white light….

_Three great hands shone in the sky like three sister stars. Brilliant and deadly. And the ever faint notes of a song…_

Then the place exploded.

Nora waved away the dark smoke as strawberries squished and squashed beneath him. Universe sat up and clutched his head with a groan. Steven giggled and held the gem up in the sunshine, red juice dripping all over him. A sigh could be heard from behind them.

Nora whirled around, “Quartz! You’re okay!”

Quartz scoffed but handed over the journal. Strawberry juice free. Steven beamed and held the journal close to his chest with the gem tucked under his arm. And stuck his pen over his ear, the best place not to lose it! The four brothers together again. Within a few minutes, the Gems found Steven still laying on top of a colossal heap of strawberries smiling brightly. Nora wished he could smile that genuinely again and not have it hurt.

Garnet leaned down and bubbled the gem out of his hands, “I’d say you handled that adventure very well. Especially since you summoned both your shield and bubble at will, _and_ a new power,” Garnet crossed her arms as Pearl and Amethyst gasped, “You performed well under pressure, Steven. I’d say you performed _perfectly_.”

Steven stood up and posed like a superhero, “I know! Aren’t I great!! I really did it!! I thought I wasn’t gonna make it but I _did_!” Steven hugged his journal, “And it’s all thanks to…” Nora narrowed his eyes, “to me, and nobody else.”

Pearl kneeled down to his level, “Is that true? You discovered a new power?”

Garnet nodded a grunt.

“Yeah, I can float now!” Steven beamed, then bent his knees low into a spring, “COOKIE CAT!”

Steven jumped without fanfare. Up a few paltry feet, floating for a few seconds, and then back down like normal. Amethyst cackled, but quickly cut off by Pearl’s death-glare and hiss. Garnet’s lips turned further downward and adjusted her glasses. Steven groaned and slapped his forehead as he hopped several times to no avail. Nothing like before.

Pearl clapped her hands, “Very good, Steven! Your mother could float too! I’m sure with enough practice, you can do the same too someday!” She stood up and wiped away the strawberry juice on Steven’s face, “Don’t look so disappointed, these things come with practice and time…”

“But I was so awesome before!” Steven protested, “You should’ve seen it!”

Amethyst pulled Steven into a half-armed hug, “Sure! It would’ve been awesome to see you hop and skip to victory! Like whoa, go Steven go!” He let out a louder groan, “But dude, don’t jump so high or we’ll lose you into the skkyyyyyyyy! Never to be rescued…”

“Will that really happen?!” Steven gasped, eyes shining with horror. Pearl let out an ‘ _ugh_ ’ and rubbed the pinch of her eyebrows. Amethyst didn’t look that sorry at all for freaking poor Steven out. Meanwhile, Nora had a montage of every time he came close to that very scenario on the back of his eyelids.

“That won’t happen.” Pearl said with a smile, “Really.”

Steven looked over her shoulder to see Nora, Universe, and Quartz shaking their heads. Nora shrugged his shoulders. It wasn’t a total danger since he forgot to use the power half of the time anyway. He shot Steven what he hoped was a reassuring smile. Steven’s face only paled even more. Whoops.

Amethyst grounded her fist into Steven’s hair as he giggled. Pearl set her hand on his shoulder and started to guide him back to the warp pad. Both of their smiles wide and soft around the edges. Garnet crossed her arms and didn’t congratulate him, instead followed along silently. Steven didn’t seem to notice the change. Nora could feel the hairs on the back of his neck prickle.

Quartz raised an eyebrow, “What did you guys _do_?”

Universe kept his mouth shut. Traitor. Nora rubbed his head as they drifted over to the warp pad. Their family far below totally oblivious.

“Well...we may have taught Steven how to float,” Nora said as he fidgeted, “And also summoned his shield and bubble for him…”

“WHAT!” Quartz shouted, then rubbed his forehead, “I told you this was a bad idea. When was hiding the truth ever ended well for us?”

“He was going to die without us!” Nora threw up his hands, “And do you remember what it was like back then?! I would’ve killed to hear ‘Oh, great job’ from the Gems!”

“Have you considered that they’re _flawed_?” Quartz hissed, “And look! Garnet is looking at him all suspicious like! We’re not good liars unless you want to be _MOM!_ ”

Universe shoved between them, “Guys stop! You’re upsetting Steven! Let’s just get home and talk about this later.”

Steven whimpered as he clutched his head. Regret niggled in Nora’s stomach as the Gems comforted the boy. Quartz drifted a little further from them in the warp stream. Universe looked pointedly between them. No way. He drifted away and crossed his arms. Why did that _Steven_ act so weird? Ugh, always so argumentative! Universe looked between the two pink boys, then let out a big sigh.

* * *

“Garnet, that can’t possibly be true!” Pearl paced in the Burning Room, rubbing a line into the dark floor, “Why haven’t we seen this sooner? Why now?”

“This is _crazy_!” Amethyst shouted, “Steven isn’t Rose, okay? He’s our weird and funny little nerd, and yeah we all miss her, but you _said_ he’s different!”

Garnet held up a hand, “He may have seen something in the Strawberry battlefields, hence his strange behavior and abilities. It might not be _her_ , but he might have triggered her memories?”

“I just don’t understand,” Pearl rubbed her chin as she came to a stop, “Steven said something who are _they_. Most likely multiple people. But you know as well as I do that there were countless legions there, not only that, but much too busy fighting!” Pearl hesitated, “He would tell us if he sees anything strange, right?”

Amethyst scoffed, “Yeah! Cause he’s _Steven._ Besides, it’s not like we can do anything about this. You can’t control him and we don’t know what the _fuck_ he is!”

“Amethyst!” Pearl snapped, “Why do you have to be so coarse and rude!”

“Oh yeah?!” Amethyst snarled as she stepped into Pearl’s space, “You just want Rose back whether it’s true or not! I think Steven is _fine_ and you’re freaking over nothing! Like usual!!”

Garnet cleared her throat, “Gems.”

Pearl and Amethyst turned away from each other in a huff.

“There is a simple solution to my theory,” Garnet adjusted her glasses, “We bring Steven along to more significant locations. Then we’ll know for sure if it triggers something.”

“I don’t know if that is the best...plan,” Pearl’s hands fluttered around the star emblazoned on her chest, “How do we know it won’t trigger something unpleasant? He’s far too young to know such things.”

“We won’t know until we try,” Garnet’s voice held no room for argument.

“....This plan _sucks_.” Amethyst said finally, then stormed off to her room. Pearl quietly slipped off to hers. Garnet’s shoulders slumped, the bubbles far above silence in their watch. The visors disappeared in a sparkle as Garnet rubbed her head. Then sat down by the lava pit, all three of her eyes downcast and wrinkled with frustration.

“Where are you, Steven?” Garnet whispered, the futures before her yawned into the unknown like gazing into an empty hole or a great maw, “ _Who_ are you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mmmmm, this ain't good, chief 
> 
> Leave some kudos and comments!! Honestly, they fuel me so much you don't even _know_. Feed the author and get back Steven angst, so everything works out!
> 
> Things are still sorta tense among the Steven-squad, ahhhhh, that classic self-hatred at work :P
> 
> Also what are y'all's thoughts on Garnet trying out Steven has Rose's memories theory, huh? I don't think Pearl is _too_ wild about it. Haha, poor Pearl. How do you think the chips will fall? I got so many things I want to write for this fic okay!!
> 
> its gonna be fun :3c


	4. the wrong day, at the wrong time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I been dreaming again of a lonesome world_  
>  _Where I'm lost and I'm on my own_  
>  _What am I destined to be? It's a mystery baby_  
>  _Just please don't leave me alone_  
>  Lonesome Dreams by Lord Huron

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warnings:** depression, implied self-harm and suicidal thoughts, non-consensual body possession, and language
> 
>  **Notes:** Yeaahhhh so fighting school and other WIPs can drain a lot out of a person. Especially when you got mind gremlins working against ya! However, I wanna say thank you for all the encouraging comments because they made me pick up this fic again in a mad dash to finish the chapter. I already had it more than halfway done just sitting in my poor dusty drive. So here it is at last! Can't make promises about a consistent schedule at this point but by _golly_ I have a plot outline for this fic and I will follow it!

Quartz didn’t know what to do with his designated ‘day’ to use Steven’s body. It was something the others thought of while he didn’t pay attention, to take turns sometimes during the week of who took control. He didn’t understand the point. Or why they made him go first. He pulled the covers higher over his head and ignored the sounds of Pearl making breakfast below.

Or was it lunch now?

He didn’t feel like eating. Not even the smell of rice and fish tempted him out of his covers. Bone deep exhaustion weighed down his limbs. White static echoed in his head as more lethargy drip dropped into his bones. He could sleep the whole day away. Better than listening to the other ghosts in his head. Both real and imagined. An indescribable feeling sat in his chest, and he remembered the neatly printed words on his prescription bottles. Antidepressants.

Quartz had the feeling even in another timeline and body, it wasn’t a good idea to be off them without Dr. Mahasweran’s approval. Especially since he was at ‘risk’ or something like that. He might be mute but not deaf. He blinked in the near darkness under the covers at his arms. The angry red scar on his left arm a permanent reminder of how far his self-sacrificial nature went. His eyes ran down the neat white lines below it. Risk, risk, he knew what the word meant.

Death didn’t scare him anymore. Not when he’s almost met it far too many times. The others seemed to know what it was like on the other side, how lucky. He had a talent for surviving against all odds even when he offered himself up on the chopping block on a silver platter. Quartz traced his finger up past the white rows, past the red fields still bumpy with scarring, and finally on the black mark just below the pit in his elbow. The mark of the Diamonds branded on his skin forever. His true colors for all to see.

“Steven?” Pearl’s voice muffled through the covers, then a hand shook his cocoon, “Are you alright? You haven’t woken up for breakfast...or for lunch.”

Quartz’ eyes widened, for _all_ to see. His scars were gone while Steven had the wheel, but not when Quartz held it. It seemed like the body reflected its current owner. _Of course_! Quartz crossed his arms over his chest in time for Pearl to pull his covers down. He squeaked.

“Are you feeling unwell? Sick?” Pearl laid a hand on his head, “You don’t seem to have a fever...Steven?”

The words stuck in his throat. His mouth opened and closed but no noise fell out. Quartz sat up, still tense with his arms to his chest. Oh, why did Steven have to sleep with his short sleeve pajamas last night? Pearl tilted her head, waiting patiently for a response. He wanted to tell her to don’t even bother. If he didn’t speak for the next hundred years, fine by him.

 _If you even make it to the next hundred years,_ a voice cackled in his ear.

Quartz froze, a cold chill running up his skin. Then his shoulders slumped in defeat, at least the quiet was good while it lasted. He shoved the voice back in their usual cage at the back of his mind. Opalite growled, the noise echoing with a different voice he never wanted to hear again. Quartz shook his head, no _stop_ thinking about it. The voice quieted. _Her_ too.

“Are you okay?” Pearl said as she watched him slide off the bed awkwardly, “You don’t look...fine.”

Quartz nodded.

“Are you sure?”

Quartz now rolled his eyes at that as he nodded again. Pearl put her hands on her hips. Not good. He ran down the stairs before he could get a lecture about staying healthy from Pearl. He ignored the pink ghosts giggling as they talked around the living room table. Instead, he went headfirst into the bathroom and slammed the door. Quiet, a perfect sound.

He dropped his arms. White lines dull under the bright bathroom light. The diamond mark shone like something oily like a tattoo even if he suspected it more a brand. If the others saw it, he didn’t even know where to _begin_ explaining. Quartz padded over to the mirror and peered into his reflection.

Dark eyebags sat under his dull eyes, exhaustion clear as day. No wonder Pearl parroted the same ‘are you okay’ question several times. He looked like death warmed up. Quartz rubbed a thumb over the Diamond mark, all three symbols more menacing in the harsh light. The skin still slightly raised in that area, the pad of his thumb traced the subtle bumps.

 _Traitor to your family,_ Opalite’s scratchy voice hissed.

He looked around. No one around to hear him. Or see him. Quartz turned his head slightly to address the disembodied voice over his shoulder.

“I know,” Quartz whispered in the quietest murmur he could, “I _know_. But I had to, you were there. It was the only way.”

_It’s been so long since you’ve talked to me. But don’t worry, now I have more friends to talk to._

“No! Don’t you dare,” Quartz snapped to nothingness, “Leave them alone. The other Stevens shouldn’t know…”

 _Shouldn’t know what_ **_our_ ** _filthy hands have done? Why not? You served the Empire faithfully even if I had to help you do it. Remember_ **_their_ ** _screams?_

Quartz clutched the sink, “Stop it! I didn’t want you. I never wanted you to.”

He stood there shaking for god knows how long, but Opalite didn’t speak again. Good. A shaky breath shuddered out of his lungs. It was times like these when he missed his dog, Hopper, her wet licks on his hand enough to snap him out of his episodes. Episodes of what? PTSD, losing his grasp on reality, or plain anxiety take your pick. Quartz missed his golden retriever so _much_. The best gift his therapist ever gave him for his 15th birthday.

“Hey, you haven’t come out of the bathroom in like an hour,” Steven said as he drifted through the door, “The others are getting worried, ya know?”

Quartz glanced at him, then continued to rummage through the mirror cabinet. He _needed_ to find his supplies, best to do it before the others caught on. Steven hovered his shoulder, curiously examining the upended junk in the sink. Quartz ignored him. Steven didn’t have any idea of how horrid the future could be. He didn’t pose any threat.

Then he saw a glimmer of metal behind a bottle. Perfect. Quartz shoved it aside and plucked the razor and dropped it into the sink. Steven drifted closer, more curious than ever at his strange behavior. Quartz wondered if Steven even _noticed_ the scars and scabs on his arms. Of course he didn’t, why would he?

“Hey, Steven?” Quartz rasped, “Could you go get my hoodie, please? I’m uh, cold.”

Steven brightened, “Yeah, I can go grab it, dude!!’

“Wait!” Quartz grabbed Steven’s hand before he could zip off, “Remember, be _sneaky_. Don’t let the others see you. I hate to agree with the others but...it’ll look weird to have a hoodie move by itself.”

“Alright, you got it!” Steven shot him a thumbs up, “You can trust in me!”

He zipped off through the door before Quartz could protest anymore. Now alone, he examined the blades and razors and even paperclips in the sink. All sharp and ready for anything. He picked up the cup that held his toothbrushes and plucked them out of it. Laid wayside on the rim of the sink. Quartz carefully plucked up the sharp objects gleaming in the sink like pirate collecting gold and dropped them into the cup. Each clinking against the bottom like a wonderful medley.

Quartz stared down at the empty sink, picked clean of its secrets. He set the cup back down on the rim of the sink. He ignored the siren call of the blades tantalizing over the lip. Instead, he sorted the wayward toothbrushes back into the mirror like nothing happened. But where could he hide the cup? The bathroom’s walls pressed at him. Then an idea hit.

“Heeyyy! Quartz!” Steven poked his head through the door, “Open the door so I can give you my hoodie! It’s gonna look greaaat on you! I think you’re going to like it…”

Quartz took his hands off the toilet lid like he’d been burned, “Oh right, thank you Steven.”  

He drifted over to the door and opened it a crack. Steven shoved the hoodie through the opening and into Quartz’ waiting hands. Steven didn’t wait for a knock and pushed through the wooden door, enjoying his ghost powers a bit too much. Quartz stared down at the pale hoodie, a black star in the center of it. He thought he lost this a few years back. Or in this timeline, he never did?

Quartz swallowed back a lump then in the quietest voice he could muster, “Thank you, but could you turn around? Please?”

Steven twirled around with a flourish.

Quartz smiled at the display. So kind and empathetic. This time around he wanted to protect that. Never let anyone pull his caring nature down into the muck and grey ever again. Not on his watch. He took off his shirt, the sudden rush of cold air made his chest prickle. He ignored the scars at the corner of his eyes as he pulled the hoodie over his shoulders quickly. Quartz had the habit of showering in the dark nowadays for a reason. He adjusted the hoodie further down his arms until his fingers wiggled out of the sleeves.

“You don’t smile a lot for a Steven,” Steven said once he could turn around, “Are you sure you’re a Steven? I don’t think I’ve heard you crack a joke the entire time you’ve been here!!”

Quartz shoved his hands into his pockets, “Haven’t laughed in a long time anyway.”

“That’s awful!” Steven exclaimed, “Everyone should laugh! Well not like every day but at least once in a while!! Did your funny bone break?”

Quartz put his hand on the door handle, “Something like that.”

He opened the door before Steven could utter another word. Quartz padded over to the kitchen and pulled out some granola bars. Easier to eat in his state. The idea of moving a fork and picking at a fish didn’t appeal to him. He munched down the granola bars, yum! He ignored the steaming plate waiting for him on the counter and instead walked over to the table to join the other ghosts. They brightened at his approach.

“Hey, just in time to join us, sleepyhead!” Universe beamed, then patted the pillow next to him, “We were waiting for you to wake up so we can talk about last mission.”

Quartz sat down as he blinked at his journal on the table. Not opened, thank the stars. He pulled it closer to himself. It wasn’t the crisp black journal from home. Instead, it was a bright blue with stickers all over the cover with some suspicious mustard stains. At least Steven never wrote in it before now. Quartz didn’t open it, all too aware of his drawings inside.

Universe clasped his hands like he sat in a board meeting, “So! We just need to look at the mural drawings because I’m pretty sure I can translate it.”

Quartz raised an eyebrow, _that’s it?_

“Yep! We may have peeked a _little_ inside by accident and uh-” Nora wilted under Quartz’ stare, “Nothing much! Just Universe got a glimpse and then said we can’t look in it without your help. So I didn’t get to see anything okay?”

Quartz narrowed his eyes at Nora across from him, _you better not._

“Pinky swear!” Nora held up his hand, “Cross my heart and stuff!”

Steven giggled, the noise breaking them out of their stare contest, “This is great! We’re like a secret team or something. Come onnn, I wanna see your drawings!” His eyes sparkled as he gasped, “You’re like the sketch artist!! Are you shy? Don’t be shy! I bet your drawings are great!” Steven plopped himself down on the table, big eyes blinking up at him, “Plleeaaaseeeee?”

Universe hesitated, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Steven.”

Quartz held his journal closer to his chest.

“I promise not to look in it without you?” Steven begged, “Pleasseeee?”

_You promise?_

Steven’s grin twisted into a smirk, “Why, of _quartz!_ Aaaayyy!! Get it?’

Quartz blinked. Steven winked and nudged him. His smile never dimming despite the muffled giggles from the others. Steven poked his cheek with a bloop.

“ _Snrk_ ,” Quartz froze at the noise. Steven's fist pumped the air as Quartz hid his face against his journal. Not a single snicker in all that time but the boy’s _face_ just about broke him. Did he really look that goofy? And not to mention the bad pun! It was too much. The corners of his mouth dropped as flashes of his family trying and failing to make him laugh. Oh…

He missed them. How Lapis had the best luck at feeding him with her PB&J sandwiches even go as so far to eat them with him. Lapis, of all people! Amethyst stayed up all night with him when he couldn’t sleep. Pearl kept a strict schedule of his meals and pills, of course she latched on anything orderly. Garnet...Well, she gave him space. He still hasn’t seen Peridot in so long.

The shadow of a hand loomed over him.

Quartz reacted quicker than he could think. He thrust up a shield against the white hand as a strangled noise escaped his throat. He waited for the hit. Quartz scrunched up his eyes closed as the moments passed. Nothing happened. Quartz warily opened his eyes, expecting tall white columns and a window to the sharp buildings of Homeworld far below.

Pearl.

Oh, it’s just Pearl.

She held her hands up, “Steven, are you sure you’re alright? I won’t hurt you.”

Quartz blushed and let the shield fade away. Pearl didn’t drop her hands until his shoulders relaxed several fractions. He was acting weird, wasn’t he? Quartz nodded that he was fine even with Pearl’s bombardment of questions. She crossed her arms as he didn’t answer her question with anything more than a shrug.

“Steven, why can’t you just answer me?” Pearl said as a foot tapped the floor, “Is this a new game or something? Use your words!”

“You know she’s got a point,” Nora cut in, “At this rate, you’re going to worry everyone.”

Quartz whirled around to him, _say that again mister Early Powers!_

“Steven, what are you looking at?” Pearl asked, her voice gentler this time, “Are you seeing...something?”

Quartz hesitated. Nora and Universe shook their heads frantically, he rolled his eyes. None of them could lie very well. And he didn’t want them to. There was no point in this charade, it only delayed the inevitable. Quartz’s eyes slid to Steven, the boy looked a million miles away. Already checked out of the conversation. If he made things... _weird_ , Steven would feel the brunt of consequences and not him.

Quartz had enough of people in pain because of him.

“Steven?” Pearl asked again.

Quartz beamed up at her and he could see by the way Pearl’s eyes softened that it worked. He mimed locking his mouth and throwing away the key with a giggle. Pearl muffled her own giggle behind her hand. Hook, line, and sinker. Black pawn moved past the White Knight with a painted smile.

“Well okay, Steven,” Pearl ran her hand through his curls, “Have fun with your game but I would’ve liked some warning. Although…” Pearl reached for the journal, “Would it be against the rules if you wrote to me what you wanted to say?”

Quartz clutched his journal to his chest in a white-knuckled grip. At Pearl’s ‘O’ of surprise, he nodded to her answer. He could write. Just...not in this one. Quartz pointed to the journal and explained as much with hand gestures. Pearl thankfully summoned a notepad from her gem instead. Quartz used the pen lodged in his journal’s pages to write on the yellow notepad.

_‘Yeah, it’s just a game I want to play today! How long I can be quiet!! Sorry for freaking you out, Pearl <33 I’m fine :D’ _

Pearl studied the note, “What does semicolon D mean?” At Quartz’ answering silence, she sighed then walked to the warp pad, “Anyway, I wanted to tell you I was going out for a bit. Please eat your lunch before I get back, it’s getting cold!”

The warp pad flashed.

“You gotta be hungry, go bring the fish over here and you can eat it while we talk?” Universe suggested as Quartz stood up, “Hey, don’t forget to get Chaaaps too!”

Quartz picked up the plate, the smell made his mouth water. Then shook his head. He padded over the kitchen tiles to the trash can and poised the lid open. The fish slid down the plate as he tilted it. He froze as the lid slammed down with a pink hand. Thwarted by Universe, the royal prince of course. Great. Universe wrenched the plate out of his hands and took a fork as he drifted back to the table.

“You have to eat!” Universe chided as Quartz sat down again, “If you don’t want to, we could switch around and _I’ll_ do it since you don’t appreciate food!”

Nora snickered, “I’m sure Onion will like you then.”

“Noooo!” Steven protested, “It’s _Quartz’_ day, remember? No switching!! Come on, just some bites?”

Universe handed him back the fork with a suspicious squint. Quartz took it with a glare. He didn’t like Diamonds, even if it was himself. Nothing but pain came from them. Quartz picked apart the fish and under the prompting stares from the others, he took a bite. The lemon juice and savory flesh turned to ash in his mouth. He swallowed it down with a grimace.

 _Delicious,_ Quartz said dead-pan, _now what do you want with my journal?_

“You better eat more than that!” Universe protested, “But yeah I just need to translate those drawings you made of the mural and stuff.”

Quartz opened his journal a crack and flipped through the pages. Past the dark charcoal sketches of figures and gaunt faces. Over the bright crayon drawings, the color vivid as his memories. He flicked past the most important page, a flicker of blue and the squiggly line of a whip, and finally onto the mural. Quartz set it open on the table for everyone to see. The mural stretched across the fold in excruciating detail, hands twisting toward the sky to Goddesses descending from the sky. Quartz narrowed his eyes at Rose in the center of it all.

Universe twisted the journal around to face him and traced his finger down the ships behind Rose. He muttered numbers under his breath, the language not at all familiar to his ears. Huh, he would’ve thought after spending so long in Homeworld’s clutches he would know a word or two. But no. He leaned forward in curiosity as did Steven and Nora.

“So these symbols over here are exponents,” Universe said at last, pointing to the bent lines next to the ship symbols, “I tried to do the math in my head but it says that Rose’s army had almost two million soldiers. See?” He tapped the page, “Six to the power of four to the power of two. It’s a lot sure, but Yellow said she had millions more.”

Nora hummed, “Then what are those two ships over here on Mom’s right side?”

“Ships…? Oh!” Universe grinned, “Those aren’t ships, they’re supposed to represent people. I know, I got confused too,” He squinted down at the tiny duo next to Rose then his smile widened, “I think that might actually be Pearl and Garnet. Would make sense right?”

Quartz blinked, “That’s….really cool actually.”

Universe’s finger drifted up to the rain of diamond symbols at the top of the section, “And _those_ are ships. See the circle? That’s Homeworld, where the ships are coming from.”

“Homeworld…” Steven whispered, “What does that mean?”

“It’s where the Gems came from,” Quartz cut in before either of them could lie, “Hopefully we don’t go there again someday. It sucked.”

“Whoa!” Steven said, eyes sparkling with the new information, “A whole other planet! In space! What was it like? Tell me, tell me, tell me!!’

“A prison,” the three of them answered in unison.

“Oh,” Steven tilted his head, “Really?”

The three of them looked at each other. How much to say? Did Steven deserve the truth unfiltered or live life a little longer with rose-tinted glasses? At least they all agreed on Homeworld, right? Quartz twirled his fork on the plate, none of them wanted to speak. The quiet, what a lonely sound.

Universe sighed, “Well, I remember Pearl said it was beautiful and she wanted me so badly to see it with her someday. And I did,” A shadow crossed his face, “You should’ve seen it, everything was beautiful like nothing on Earth. The halls, the floors, and the murals on the wall…”

For a moment, Quartz glimpsed what he meant. A chill raised the hairs on his arms as he looked around the room. It sat in shrouded darkness, but he could make out shapes. Chairs too tall to sit in, dark blue floors so clean he could see his own reflection, and doors that stretched to the ceiling. Then his eyes saw the walls, figures carved into the stone that he recognized immediately was Pink Diamond. Her palace? Quartz didn’t know, he’s never been here.

The memory flickered away like a bad TV signal. His eyes adjusted to the glare of sunlight back in his real house. Quartz turned to look at Universe, the prince looked forlorn and empty. Boy, he knew how that felt. Universe met Steven’s eyes head-on with a determined glint in his eye.

“Beautiful place,” Universe admitted but then quieter, “But lonely without anyone there that loved you.”

Nora propped his head upon a hand, “Yeah, it was pretty but the caves and prison tower? Not so much. Although…” Nora smiled softly, “I wasn’t alone wherever I ended up, up until…”

The world this time didn’t drip, melt, or flicker away. Instead, Quartz blinked and found himself somewhere else. A pink room and a bed that looked hard as stone. Yellow painted stars dotted the walls and up the ceilings. To his left, he could see a balcony with pink curtains with the perfect view of White’s Head ship. Quartz gulped back his fear. A cheeseburger backpack lied against the bed, contents almost spilling out with various trinkets. Then it hit him what was wrong with this picture.

No hotdog backpack.

Quartz blinked again and winced against the glare of the sudden sunlight. Ow. His thoughts whirled, if Connie came along then she would’ve taken her hotdog backpack. No, no, she could be fine. Nora probably didn’t bring her along. But when Quartz looked up at Nora, he had covered up his face with his hands. Sympathy roiled through him as he recognized those tense shoulders, the slight tremor, oh Nora had his regrets too didn’t he? Quartz looked away.

Nora wiped at his eyes, “Homeworld is cold and not home at all. No matter how much the Diamonds try. Everything was fine until…” He swallowed thickly, then gave Steven a weak smile, “Don’t worry about it now. It’ll never be our home, okay?”

“Okay….? Whatever you say??” Steven said then yelped at Nora’s offended poke, “Hey! S’not my fault I don’t get it! You didn’t tell me anything at all,” He dropped his head onto the table, “Oh hey, Quartz what about you? Pleasseeeee?”

Quartz stuffed another forkful of fish into his mouth.

“Aw come on,” Nora grinned, “You’re the one who opened this can of worms with Homeworld. It’s your turn!”

Universe glanced between Nora and Steven on either side then glanced up to meet Quartz’ eyes head-on. Universe sighed then shoved their two heads down, ignoring their squeals of indignation. He giggled, pink eyes sparkling with mirth. Universe glanced up at him again and Quartz heard the quiet words whispered to him.

_You know you don’t have to, right? I saw…_

Quartz waved a hand, “Ugh, fine. My time up there? Sucked. Absolute zero out of five stars. Would never go there again,” He munched on another piece of fish as they gaped at his answer, “What? They didn’t give me fancy rooms! Instead they…”

Quartz looked down at his plate, the world melting away into a place he knew all too well. He stared down at his plate until it melted away into a grey puddle along with the table. They didn’t exist in this memory. Quartz steeled his nerves and grit his teeth. He looked up to face his prison.

White walls, white ceilings, the place hushed. The distant footsteps of soldiers walking past outside in the hallways. The thin window along on the left side of his bed that looked out to the stars. The faint starlight twinkling through the slit his only light. His room not much bigger than his bathroom at home. Quartz’ tension melted away as he saw the IV drop next to his bed (covers white too), a physical reminder of the only gem who cared about him in this dump.

“Wow it looks like a hospital room,” Nora said, looking around the place, “Smells weird too.”

“Really? This is what they look like?” Steven said awed.

“Oh right, you haven’t been to the hospital yet with Connie,” Universe snickered as Steven b1lushed pink, “But I don’t think this is it...by the sounds of it, those are Ame—soldiers outside.”

Golden sunlight melted through the memory, color invading the scrubbed space. The soft brown wooden floors, the mellow orange pillows, all reminded Quartz what was real. Home. Steven pouted as the memory disappeared. Probably disappointed that it was as cryptic as the others. Sorry, not sorry, he didn’t feel in the mood to relive traumatic memories. Not in front of Steven, at least.

Quartz scrapped his fork against the bottom of the plate, “I never want to go back there again. And ah, before you say anything about it,” He narrowed his eyes at the two other ghosts, “We’re. Not. Going. Back. Especially if you want us to _live_.”

Nora crossed his arms, “Not planning to. Besides my beef is with someone sleeping downstairs. If you catch my drift. So I’m good.”

Steven gasped, “But!”

“Believe it or not,” Universe cut in with a laugh, “I want to do something about the Zoo, but Homeworld politics? Count me right out!”

Steven stood up, “But what about SPACE!! Seeing another planet!! And we can go see it with the Gems! This time we don’t have to be alone,” He beamed down at them, “So what do you say?”

“No, no way,” Quartz snarled, his fear overriding his usual niceties, “Did you hear me? Do you know how dangerous it is, Ste—”

Nora jumped over the table and slammed a hand over his mouth. Hey! Nora glared down at him and sliced a finger over his throat. Wh-what? Nora glanced over his shoulder to something...or someone? Quartz clenched his fists, run or fight or freeze? His instincts leaned toward freeze. Let the enemy win. Less pain that way. He heard the scuffle of a boot against the floor.

Quartz’ head snapped around like a deer in headlights. Amethyst stood in front of her room. Shit. He thought he would’ve heard the temple door opening but maybe the trip through memory lane muffled it? He pulled down his sleeves and twisted the edges between his fingers. Amethyst awkwardly slid over to the kitchen, every movement watched by the four brothers. She took out a jar of mayo from the fridge.

“Yo, what’s up?” Amethyst drank from the jar, “Who are you talking to?”

Quartz opened his mouth but again no words came out. His throat empty as the tomb. Ugh! Why couldn’t he say _anything_ to anyone ever! Himself didn’t really count. Quartz pulled his hoodie over his head and yanked on the cords. Maybe she would go away?

Amethyst walked up, “You gonna eat that? Pearl makes the best fish.”

Quartz pushed the plate toward her before Universe had the chance to take it. HA! Amethyst ate the plate and all. He grimaced at the crunching sounds, eugh. Amethyst smacked her lips and hit his back with a cackle. Universe glared at him. Quartz scoffed, it was _his_ day so he could do whatever he liked.

“Hey, so we’re going on a mission later. All four of us,” Amethyst sat down on the table, probably just for the express purpose of messing with Pearl’s rule of ‘no butts’, “Don’t be such a sourpuss, it’s going to be funnnnnn! And awesome! I’ll be there so Pearl doesn’t _bore_ you to death.”

Quartz snickered.

“So is that a yes?”

Quartz hesitated, could he? He hasn’t gone on a mission since he came back from Homeworld and mute to boot. Besides, they really shouldn’t go on a mission anytime soon. Not until they sorted their weird...mental funk out. Quartz sighed, he really didn’t want to be losing touch of reality every five minutes a memory got triggered. Not fun at all.

Okay, don’t act _weird_. Respond. He could do this. Quartz swallowed in a gulp of air then covered his mouth. He glanced up at Amethyst shyly.

“....no,” Quartz whispered.

Amethyst sighed in relief, “Good. Cause I’ma be real with you for a second, you’re acting really weird today.”

Nora slapped his forehead.

“You could sit out today and join us some other time until you get out of your funk,” Amethyst punched his shoulder, “You might be a weirdo but you’re _our_ weirdo even if you talk to thin air. I’m weird too, okay! Like like, uh,” She floundered, “I name my trash piles. Never told anyone that. Geez! Sheesh, so don’t freak.”

Quartz blinked owlishly at her.

Amethyst muttered under her breath, “Wow not even a twitch,” then much louder, “UGH! I just-You’re like-I’m going to my room and out of this conversation! Bye!”

She stomped off to her room, “PEACE!”

The door shut with a slam. Maybe he could’ve handled that better. She left way too quickly before he could even say anything. Bummer. Nora groaned as he slumped down to the floor in defeat. Quartz smirked. At least _one_ good thing came out of that awkward dumpster fire of a talk. Universe patted Nora with sympathetic noises. Steven stared at the Temple door, still reeling from that slam.

Quartz squirmed under the uncomfortable stares from the others, _I’m going back to bed._

“But Quartz—” Steven whirled around but Quartz already stood up.

 _It’s_ **_my_ ** _day and that means I’m taking a nap. I’m tired, Steven...I’m very tired. It’s okay, if you need anything, just wake me up. If I start talking...wake me up. Please._

Quartz gave Steven a smile, but he had a feeling it came out more pained than reassuring as intended. Steven didn’t smile back. Quartz sighed, great he disappointed even _himself_. Wow, great job! You can’t do anything right as usual! Quartz pulled his hoodie further down his face and padded up the stairs without another word. What a rookie mistake, one of the first lessons from Homeworld was to _never_ assume you were alone. The others tricked him into talking. Talking! With his mouth! No one, and he meant _no one else_ , got him to do that.

Quartz slid into bed and tried not to cry.

He wanted the day to be over already.

* * *

Steven yawned as sleep drained away from his awareness. He scratched his belly, mindful of his gem, as he squinted at the dark sky. It’s like the middle of the night! Hmm, did he have a nightmare? Steven froze as he caught a glimpse of pink, then stared down at his own ghostly form. His...body isn’t here. HIS BODY ISN’T HERE? Did his body just walk away?

Hehe, _walk_ away.

The moonlight glimmered on the sand dunes, casting them silver and indistinct in the late hour. Steven drifted aimlessly as he looked around. Nothing but sand in all directions. Except for a suspicious pink dot in the far distance ahead of him and with a faint tugging in his gut to follow it. Or more like forced to follow. Steven pushed through the air, his ghostly form shivered with the cold bite of the wind rushing through him. He didn’t know that deserts got this cold at night.

“Hey!” Steven called out as he came closer, the pink dot had a familiar head of dark curls, “Hey, stop! Where are we?”

Steven drifted to a stop at the same time the boy froze. He whirled around to look up at Steven’s still bleary eyes from the late night wake-up, and his brows pinched. Wait. Steven leaned down to study at his double’s face. There was the dark line of a neat scar under one eye.

“ _Nora_?!” Steven gasped, “You stole my body?”

“Shush! Not so loud!” Nora held up his hands, “The others are still sleeping! Well, usually you are too. And it’s nothing important. You can go back to sleep.”

“But but!” Steven said, “Why should I, body stealer?”

Nora crossed his arms, “Again, it’s my body too. And I don’t think I’ll find anything again tonight. Trust me, you’ll know when I do.” He turned around with a huff, “So don’t tell the others about this, Steven.”

Steven rubbed at his eyes. Okay, maybe he shouldn’t have drunk that last cup of milk before he went to sleep. He needed to stay awake for this new adventure! Nora put one foot in front of the other, forging further into the darkness with nothing more than the moonlight to see by. Steven stuck out his lip and drifted in front of his brother. Body stealer. Or whatever!

“Why shouldn’t I tell the others?”

“Because I’m just speeding things up,” Nora walked underneath him with an eye-roll, “I’m not waiting around for the next four years to go the same way. And I think the others will like it.”

“Oh! It’s a surprise!” Steven’s eyes sparkled with stars, “I can keep it a secret! A secret Steven secret between Stevens! Can I see it? Promise I won’t tell!”

Nora glanced up at him, “You won’t miss it. It’s well…a pink lion. He used to live here.”

“A pink lion!” Steven squealed until Nora held up his hands to quiet him again. Oh right. He couldn’t spoil the surprise. His future selves sounded so _cool_. Nora had a pink lion! Did the others know him? Or was that only Nora? Steven’s chest tightened at the new reminder that his brothers kept quiet a lot about their futures. Did anyone get new friends other than Connie? Did anyone new move into Beach City? He would _have_ to know that! Then maybe he could bake something for them on their first day!

Steven looked around again.

“Where is he?”

Nora shrugged, “Lion! Where are you?”

The night whistled through the landscape, the rolls and bob of the sand dunes reminded him of the ocean at home. Nora’s shoulders slumped at the answer. Even then, ke kept walking no matter if the sand sucked at his flip-flops. How long had he kept his surprise under wraps? Losing sleep over this? Steven frowned, he had to help. Nora carefully trudged up a steep dune as Steven lost himself in thought. But how?

“Hold on, I have an idea,” Steven told him before he drifted up into the sky, as far he could stand in the chill of the cloudless night, “LION! WE NEED YOU!!”

A roar answered in the distance. Nora froze at the sound then broke into a run. Steven yelped as his invisible rope yanked on him too. Nora shouted again, his voice more desperate than he ever heard. More cracked and broken than when Steven had lost his Cookie Cats. Another roar answered, closer this time. Nora stumbled over holes and crests of sand as Steven zoomed along with him.

The shadow of a castle loomed in the distance. Wait? A _castle_? Was Lion a king of all the lions?! Whoa. That is so _cool_. Steven picked up the pace as Nora did the same. Giddy, he came to a stop at the foot of the castle. Nora came at his heels seconds later, exhausted on his knees. The walls rose into the starlight sky then the ground rumbled.

Nora fell back in time to avoid a wall slamming upwards where he stood. Steven’s eyes widened. A magic castle! Made of sand! The wind picked up as if it sensed intruders until the sand obscured everything. He squinted through the gales to find Nora throwing his shield at the wall but the unlikely wall of packed sand held strong.

Nora slammed his fists against the wall as he screamed against the wail, “LION!! IT’S ME!! _PLEASE!!”_ He pulled his hood up but it did nothing against the scorching winds, “I NEED YOU!”

Another roar.

From above?

Sand burst into an explosion as the wall crumbled. A lion sailed through the opening, eyes white with power and landed into a crouch at Nora’s feet. Steven gaped. He couldn’t tell it was pink, not through the sandstorm that made the night darker than it could ever be. But those unearthly eyes lit up Nora’s face until Steven could see the shine of wet cheeks. Then in a blur of motion, Nora lunged forward and squeezed Lion around the neck and his shoulders shook into the thick mane.

“Lion! I missed you!” Nora said, his grip tighter, “Where were you?”

Lion purred and nuzzled at Nora gently. Almost in recognition. Then Nora pulled back and pointed upwards at the castle with a determined glint in his eyes. Steven looked upwards but he didn’t see what Nora saw in the darkness. Again, he wondered what knowledge from the future made Nora smirk at the insurmountable magic castle of doom.

Nora climbed onto Lion’s back with a gentle pet down his mane. Steven couldn’t hear Nora’s yells over the dust storm but he pointed upwards. Lion roared and more sand exploded in an arc of light as he leaped high into the air. His claws dug into the twisting and turning walls with Nora at the helm. Steven followed them through the storm as best he could but the sands through his form made it hard to see. Then he heard a scream.

The castle crumbled into a heap as the wind died to a stop. Lion tumbled to a landing at the foot of the sand dune. Nora close behind as he clutched a pillow in his arms. Steven rushed down to them. Oh gosh were they hurt? Nora punched a hand into the air with a whoop. Lion blew a poof of sand out of his snout. Steven drifted above them, they didn’t _look_ hurt. Well good. But what the _heck_ just happened?

“Are you okay?!” Steven asked, “And what’s that pillow?”

Lion froze. He raised his head to look up at Steven directly in the eyes. Steven flinched back, no one was able to see him in this form. No else saw ghosts, not even birds! Although he had to admit lions weren’t pink either. Lion tilted his head and before Steven could move, he tackled Steven to the ground. Steven yelped as a cold tongue wiped his cheeks. Hey! Lion purred and stubbornly sat on him.

Nora walked up to him, “Looks like Lion likes you.”

“Get him off!” Steven pleaded as Lion licked his forehead even as he struggled, “Help! I’m being eaten by a lion! No stop, I’m ticklish!”

Steven giggled as Lion picked up by the scruff of his neck. Nora grinned as he got up on Lion again. He petted down his mane as Lion dropped Steven back onto the ground. Steven pouted, he wasn’t a kitten to be manhandled about! Nora pulled him to join Lion on his back with a hand and his irritation faded away forgotten. Oh my _gosh_.

“Lion, do you remember where the warp-pad is?” Nora asked.

Steven held Nora around his waist as he leaned forward, “Wait, how would he know tha—”

Lion broke into a run as Steven yelped and his hold tightened. Nora laughed as Steven shut his eyes. Okay, riding a crazy magical lion wasn’t on his list of things to do today. Then a **_roar_ **split across the night and his eyes shot open.

A pink portal spun in existence. Steven screamed as Lion leaped into the kaleidoscope of colors, the pink muscles tight under his legs as they disappeared into the night with a pop. Nora’s laughter tinkled throughout the dimension, colors fading in and out of existence. A bright light sparkled at the end of the tunnel and Steven decided to join in the fun too. If Nora wasn’t worried then he wouldn’t either. Steven giggled over Nora’s shoulder as he watched pink and blue lights spin and swirl around them in this not quite free fall.

Then the light grew brighter until from one blink to the next, they were back on Earth. Lion slid to a stop in front of a familiar warp-pad in the desert. The moonlight made the surface shimmer like a mirror. Nora dropped off from Lion’s back and patted his flank. Steven slid off Lion, dazed still from the gorgeous light display only seconds before. Nora pulled Steven up and dusted the sand off his ghostly shoulders. Steven squirmed with a pout. He’s never had older brothers before, or doppelgangers really, but the movies didn’t really prepare him for this.

Nora bubbled the pillow-gem and sent it with a home, “Hey so can you help me push Lion onto the warp pad? He can get a little stubborn.”

Lion huffed.

“Yeah, I can help—”

“What. Is going on here?” An icy voice cut through the air and they whirled around to see a bleary-eyed Universe in weird pajamas, “I thought we voted to wait for the Gems to go on the mission where we’re _supposed_ to find Lion.”

Universe wore a pink crop top a few sizes too big for his shoulders and loose drawstring pants of the same shade. His gem as always on display. Didn’t it get cold like that? Steven froze as Universe stomped closer. He didn’t know why but it felt exactly the same when Pearl caught him with his hand in the cookie jar. Besides, why didn’t he get a vote in these so-called votes they keep mentioning?

Nora held up his hands, “Shush! Don’t wake up Quartz!”

Lion tackled Universe to the ground and licked his face. Universe couldn’t help but giggle under the licks but he gently pushed Lion away with apologies. Lion whined as he bumped his nose against Universe’s back. Universe sighed as he shook his head. Nora crossed his arms as he kicked his flip-flops into the sand with a sullen pout.

“Look, I’ll help you push Lion,” Universe conceded, “I suppose we can brainstorm an explanation to the Gems...and Quartz. But I thought we had a democracy.”

“It was going to be a surprise,” Nora protested weakly, but he put his hands on Lion’s flank all the same, “And you _know_ we need Lion. He’s like our best friend. Other than Connie.”

“Other than Connie.” Universe nodded as he took up the other side.

Steven pushed on Lion’s butt, “Will we get any other friends than Connie? Like future friends?”

Lion growled as he dug his heels into the slippery sand. The three boys grunted as they pushed and shoved at the great beast. Scant inches earned with every minute. No matter how hard the three boys begged and pleaded, Lion didn’t like the idea of leaving by warp. Steven dug his feet into the sand against Lion’s big butt. He squealed as Lion’s tail whipped him across the face by accident. Hey! Not fair.

Finally, after like half an hour, Lion sat on the warp pad. He yawned as he stretched across the cold platform. Steven pulled on his arms until they popped, man he would feel that workout for the next few days! Nora and Universe shook the sand out of their pants as they wiggled in place. Oh right, desert and all. Nora skipped onto the pad with Universe and Steven close behind.

They disappeared in a flash of light.

Lion yawned in the quiet house. The sun rose over the gentle lapping waves of the beach just outside the windows. Nora quickly pulled down his snout shut with a nervous shush. Steven yawned as he drifted over to sit on the couch. His pajamas thankfully didn’t have any sand left over from his unexpected desert adventure. Lion growled out of Nora’s hold and shot himself up to their bed on the loft in two short leaps. Another yawn and a circle and the giant magical lion fell asleep on top of their covers. Great.

Universe yawned and rubbed at his pink eyes, the prince drifted over to slump next to him. Steven cuddled next to his ghostly brother in the early morning. Well it wouldn’t be a _bad_ idea to let it be Nora’s day out early this week. Besides if they all went back to sleep, maybe Quartz wouldn’t wake up for another few hours and Steven didn’t look forward to—

Nora’s indignant squawk of pain cut through his sleepy awareness. Steven’s eyes shot open to catch Quartz had Nora in a headlock as he yanked on his poor ear. Nora’s ghostly pink face twisted in pain as Quartz tugged again. Steven shot up from his seat as Universe groaned from next to him. Steven looked around, if _all_ of them were ghosts then where was his body? He peeked over the table and he got his answer.

Asleep. Or more like passed out, same thing. Steven frowned as Quartz shoved Nora into the wall. Ah geez. On New Year’s he already had an idea for what to wish for. _His brothers to get along_. Nora dodged a lunge and ducked under a swing. Steven didn’t know where his brothers learned to fight like that. But it was clear to him that they fought differently.

Quartz liked to fight dirty and to end fights quickly, while Nora preferred to talk between hits and move too quick for Quartz to land. Either way, they had more grace than Steven had ever had. Truth to be told, he didn’t know he _could_ be graceful. Nora held up his arm with a yelp as Quartz threw a book over his head.

“Can’t we just talk about it?!” Nora said.

“We _agreed_ that your plan was idiotic!” Quartz threw a hand at Lion’s direction, “Oh we just found this suspiciously pink lion in the middle of nowhere with _no_ explanation with _Mom’s_ things inside of him!”

Steven perked up, “Lion knew Mom?”

Quartz lunged with a growl and pinned Nora beneath him, “The whole voting committee was _your_ idea, so stick with it you clod!”

Nora stuck out his tongue as Quartz dug his knee into his back, “That’s Peridot’s word!”

Quartz slammed Nora’s head hard against the floor, “Don’t say her name!”

“But—”

“Don’t!” Quartz shouted, his eyes shining with a rare hint of red, “I don’t care if you’re my alternate self I _will_ shatter you.”

Silence rang through the room.

“What does shatter mean?” Steven said, what a weird word to use.

Nora squirmed under Quartz’ hold, “It..it just means uhm…”

“It means die, finito, break your gem into a million pieces and say goodbye to existence forever,” Universe piped in from the couch with a yawn, one thin sleeve threatening to fall off his shoulder, “Quartz, let poor Nora go and we can _actually_ talk this out like we’re supposed to do?”

Quartz let him go but not without a final stubborn kick, “Only cause Nora squirms too much and _not_ because you said so, your Opulence.”

Universe raised an eyebrow, “We’re literally _all_ the same person—”

The beach door opened with a quiet click. The conversation froze as all four of them turned to the newcomer. Even if they were all presently ghosts at the moment, the boys hid behind counters and pillows more out of instinct than logic. Steven’s eyes widened over the coffee table as he recognized Amethyst’s white hair falling down from her tall broad shoulders. Wait... _tall_?

Amethyst wore a band around her eyes and a weird spandex suit. And from the way Steven had to crane his neck to look up at her, she could’ve been taller than Garnet. Then her body glowed and the instinct figure of light shrunk down to her regular size. Amethyst groaned as she stretched her bones out with an audible pop. Then she yelped as she fell over on her face.

Amethyst rubbed her head, “Whoa, what’s the big idea? Who left that— _Steven?!_ ”

Oh. Right. His asleep-not-totally-passed-out body on the floor. Amethyst pulled his limp body into her arms and carefully put her ears to his chest. One moment, then two, Amethyst’s lips grew more white by the second. Then his body drew in a slow breath, his lungs barely moved at all. Amethyst shuddered with relief then shook his body around.

“Wake up!” Amethyst shouted, “No, no, _no_. I _knew_ I shouldn’t have gone tonight! Steven!! Wake up!! Garnet! Pearl!”

Lion yawned as he kicked in his sleep, the noise enough to startle Amethyst out of her rising panic. Steven felt the blood drain out of his face at the reminder of their ‘surprise’ pet out of nowhere. Amethyst clutched Steven closer in her arms as her hair grew more frazzled.

“What the fuck!” Amethyst swore as she summoned her whip with one free hand, “Hey uh, big cat! Stay back! I don’t want to hurt you!”

Lion snuffled in his sleep. Amethyst held his body close to her chest, still limp as a doll. Oh geez, this was spiraling fast. Faster than when Dogcopter got shot down by enemy cat forces in his movie. Nora peeked out from the counter sheepishly as Amethyst scrambled away from the slumbering lion. Universe rubbed his head and muttered something about _Amethysts_ , plural. Quartz stepped out of his hiding spot and instead leaned against the wall with a raised eyebrow.

“So, are we going to draw straws or what?” Quartz stuffed his hands into his white hoodie with an unimpressed look on his face.

“GARNET!” Amethyst shouted again, then dropped her whip to pick up Steven in her arms to make her way to the kitchen, “Phone, phone, Pearl where the _fuck_ did you leave the phone?!”

The cabinets rattled and crashed. Steven winced, okay Pearl wouldn’t like that. Nope, not at all. Amethyst swore a blue streak enough to make his ears ring. The three other ghosts played rock-paper-scissors among themselves. Steven focused on the invisible rope from his gem to his real body but it was thready, weak. Not like before. Hmmm, that can’t be good right?

“Steven, _please_ ,” Amethyst’s voice shook as Steven quietly padded over to the kitchen to peek around the corner to look at her, “Wake up. This isn’t funny. I-I need to go get your Dad again.”

No! That would only worry him more! Steven focused on his connection again. Then he realized the problem. Steven glanced over his shoulder, he couldn’t get a strong grip on physicality when he had three other hands vying for the wheel.

Universe stood between Nora and Quartz as they shouted at each other.

“Rockhead!” Nora accused, “At least I can _explain_ what happened instead of writing it all down as _you_ would prefer!”

“It’s called selective mutism for a reason, you clone!” Quartz protested even as Universe shoved him an inch back, “And besides, maybe we’d keep better secrets if you let the only person who doesn’t actually _talk_ at the wheel!”

Universe blew out a sigh, “And here I thought I wouldn’t get to hear Yellow and Blue’s arguments ever again.”

Nora and Quartz whirled at him in unison, “We’re **_not_ **like them!!”

Steven needed to do something. And fast. Amethyst was too busy doing her best looking for a phone or attempting to wake him up to no result. All the cabinets were pulled open so Steven had the perfect chance to slip a pair of sunglasses from a drawer. She didn’t notice at all. Steven put them on and put his hands on his hips. He walked out of the kitchen with a straight back and the best neutral face he could put on.

What this team needed, was a Garnet.

Universe squirmed between the two bickering brothers, “Guuyyss!! Make up your minds already! You’re going to worry the Gems out even more!”

Steven slammed his fists onto their heads with a meaty smack. Just like Garnet. Nora and Quartz yelped and rubbed their heads. They glared at each other even through the no doubt stinging bruises they rubbed. Garnet didn’t pull her punches after all. Steven adjusted his glasses with a grimace until the two of them focused on Steven at last. Good. He had enough of their squabbling when Amethyst was half out of her mind with panic in the next room.

“Stevens,” Steven said, then crossed his arms pointedly, “I think I’m taking my body back from your joy rides for the next two thousand years.”

Then all at once, the connection between his ghostly form and body flooded with strength and power. The three hands disappeared in shock. Steven didn’t waste another second and let himself pull back together. Nora’s eyes wide in surprise was the last thing he saw before the world twisted and colors blurred. His reality slotting him back where he belonged.

Steven woke up with a gasp for air.

Amethyst dropped the phone to the floor with a clatter as she rushed to his side. Her soft hair brushed his face as she pulled him tight against her. Steven squeaked from the hug. He hit her arms, come on he needed to _breathe_. Amethyst let go and then punched him in the arm. Ow! Okay, maybe he deserved that a little. He’s never seen her eyes so shiny with _tears_ before. At least never this much.

“You said you would be _fine_!” Amethyst hit him in the other arm, “Don’t _scare_ me like that! I’m sorry I wasn’t here. Shi—shoot, Steven you’re going to kill me one of these days.”

Steven looked down into his lap and only now just realizing he still wore Nora’s clothes. The pink hoodie and jeans he wore to the desert. Amethyst wiped at her eye and suspiciously blamed the dust in the air. Steven was about to open his mouth to say...well an explanation at the least when he heard another rumble from the next room.

Amethyst stood up, “Oh yeah, I think this lion must’ve stumbled in. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of the monster for you, okay? Stay back.”

“No!” Steven’s legs stung with pins and needles but he yanked on her arm to stop her, “He’s a friend! His name is Lion and he’s my best friend. Well after Connie.”

Amethyst blinked down at him, “You let him in?”

“He’s not dangerous or anything!!” Steven said, “Please, Amethyst, you have to believe me! He didn’t do that to me...it was just a...relapse.”

Relapse, he’s heard enough of the word on Under the Knife he knew what it meant. What it implied. Amethyst seemed to know too as her face crumpled. Those ‘fainting spells’ would be a permanent fixture of his life now. At least this way he could explain away his brothers’ oddities if the Gems thought it was a weird quirk of his weird existence. Maybe Mom had fainting spells too but he could tell by the pinched look around Amethyst’s eyes that wasn’t true.

“I’m sorry,” Steven tugged Amethyst down to hug her, “I found Lion outside and then I went to get him a bowl of milk and I just fainted. I didn’t know how long I was out.”

Maybe like an hour or two, Steven thought to himself.

Amethyst shuddered as she held him tighter, “I’m sorry too, I should’ve been here.”

Steven glanced up over her shoulder to see Nora and Universe giving him a thumbs up. The secret team had to stay secret of course! Steven let a small smile escape at his brothers’ approval of his secret-keeping skills. Then his eyes slid over to Quartz, who scowled and rolled his eyes. Not at all pleased. Steven’s smile fell. Oh right, he preferred the truth.

Steven ran a hand down Amethyst’ back and let his head fall to her shoulder, “I just wanted to go on an adventure today. I guess I got more than I bargained for.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a kudos and comment on what you think!
> 
> so yeah this fic is gonna have a lot of chapters, gotta set up that delicious foreshadowing ya know :P
> 
> this was supposed to be the scheduled episode where Steven discovers Amethyst wrestles at night, but well....Nora doesn't want to follow the script and instead wants to skip to the episode _ahead_ of that one where they discover Lion. Whoops. At least he's there now :D!
> 
> I haven't gotten to the town episodes yet! It ain't Steven Universe without a creepy town episode. Anyway, if you don't know yet, this fic has a mature warning and there's a bunch of tags on it, and stay safe my lovely readers! I just love that Steven angst too much and there's like FOUR of them to torture pffffft
> 
> well its not gonna be strictly Steven angst, but just so you know :P
> 
> but please lemme if you liked it <333 your comments feed this author


	5. a rotation in perspective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _We grew up so very close_  
>  _A parasite needs a host_  
>  _I'm only trying to do what is best for us_  
>  _Well, I never asked for this, I never wanted this_  
>  _All that I want is some time to myself_  
>  Evelyn Evelyn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warnings:** Language, Violence, Past Physical Abuse
> 
>  **Notes:** : It's been forever since I updated and I have no excuse other than I had college and also severe depression? But if it helps, I hyper-fixated on this fic for the past few days until I finally goddamn completed it. I just,,,, love this fic so very much <3333 Also!!! Nora works off original + movie SU canon, so I will not be adding in Steven Universe Future because that's too much future XD
> 
> Just picture Nora with that blue shirt w/ the pink jacket and you're good. Also I'm gonna be delving into all the Stevens' traumas slowly at a time, cause,,,, its a LotTM and there's gonna be fun clashes. And Universe is me speculating the future of Revelations canon but there will be references to the fic :D

“How many fingers am I holding up?” Pearl said, her voice tight with worry.

“Two, but I’m okay,” Steven protested, Garnet hummed from behind him, “Really, it was nothing.”

“Dude, you fainted,” Amethyst crossed her arms.

Steven looked away and batted away Pearl’s hovering hands. Really. He sorted this out himself. But how his brothers eyed him at the corner of his vision, he had a nagging doubt that his ban on the wheel wouldn’t last long. Nothing stopped them from taking a joyride while he slept if Nora’s latest adventure was by any indication. He hoped they didn’t. 

“Steven, we’re...worried about you,” Pearl wrung her hands, “If you know anything about this, just any little detail, it’ll help us help _you_.” 

“I’m okay, and–”

“Steven.”

He shut his mouth with a click. Garnet adjusted her glasses and he squirmed. He hated lying to them. Quartz didn’t look happy with him either. Even if Nora and Universe fidgeted too. Garnet set her hands on her hips.

“I’ve decided you will stay behind on today’s mission,” Garnet said, “Even Crystal Gems like us need to rest. And you need some.”

“What!” 

He already skipped the past several missions because his brothers _insisted_ on figuring out how they worked together first. But he really wanted to go! More than anything! He didn’t want to be sleeping in bed all day like Quartz. He didn’t know what future made him like _that_ but he didn’t want to know. Steven balled up his fists and staggered to his feet. He fought through the bright spots in his vision to look up at Garnet. 

“I want to go!” Steven said, “Please! I already rested more than enough times, okay!”

Nora waved his arms through the air, “No! We’re nowhere near ready! Stop!”

“Oh, Steven,” Pearl stood up as she glanced at Garnet, “I don’t really know if that’s a good idea…”

Nora floated over Pearl’s shoulder, “You should listen to her, Pearl knows what she’s talking about.”

“I hate to agree but same here,” Steven yelped at Quartz’ low drawl next to him, “The Gems can handle it.”

“NO!” Steven squeezed his eyes shut and clutched at his head, “I’m _going!!_ And you can’t stop me!” 

_I think we can. If we tried._

_You’re only making this worse, Universe._

Steven whimpered at the voices. He heard them around him. In him. He can’t escape them even in his dreams. He can’t– _Calm down–_ He can’t breathe–  _Take deep breaths–_ He needed to _leave_. 

An arm landed on his shoulder. He flinched. His brothers were trying to stop him. No, no, no. 

“Steven?” Came a voice.

“Leave me alone!” Steven shouted as he took another step back.

“Ste-man, please just talk to us, you weirdo!”

“Don’t call me that!” _That’s Amethyst’s word,_ “I-I need to go. I won’t let you do this to me again!”

“Steven!”

He bolted for the warp pad. He fought through the tightness in his lungs to slam his hands against the warp. Activate! Take me anywhere! Away from here. Footsteps came closer. He couldn’t distinguish voices from each other and his vision became blurry. Sweat dripped down his face as he tried to breath. 

He slammed against the warp again.

Steven disappeared in a flash of light.

* * *

 Nora followed Steven through the warp stream. The boy had curled himself tightly into a ball of tears and snot. He pushed up but a hand on his foot stopped him. Nora kicked out and a groan cried out. Universe held his nose with a glare. Oh whoops. 

“Sorry, reflex!” Nora called down.

Universe pushed higher to his height and crossed his arms, “Just because we have necks doesn’t mean we have to automatically look down on everyone.”

“Is it really that weird we have a neck?”

Quartz shoved past Nora, “ _Yeah._ ”

“H-hey!” Nora chased after his twin, “Let’s not crowd him right now. If he’s anything like us, _obviously_ , he needs some time alone to deal with his feelings.”

“And what? Teach him to end up like me?” Quartz snarked.

Universe yanked both of them down to his level, “Listen, he’s a kid. He’s only what? Twelve?”

The warp deactivated and their argument cut off by the sound of Steven’s landing stumble. Quartz drifted forward but Steven flinched back. He ran full tilt into the darkness of the cave. Nora pinched his nose, yep exactly as predicted. 

Quartz clenched his fists and shrugged his shoulders, “Whatever. Besides, where are we? It looks familiar…”

Universe floated toward the ceiling with a twirl, “What does it look like? This is the next mission if I remember right!” 

Nora eyed the rocky road ahead, “Really?”

“Yes, it’s the Tuesday after Amethyst’s wrestling weekend,” Universe pulled out a pink diamond screen from his gem, “It’s cataloged right here in our memory. I started going back through the archives so we stay on track.”

Quartz floated further down into the cave. Nora did the same, the two of them following Universe’s lead further into the depths. All the way Universe scrolled through logs in gem hieroglyphics with pictures every once in a while. Nora couldn’t read them, Pearl still didn’t teach him anything more than his name. Or more like she...didn’t have the time to teach him anything else. A chill made his neck shiver.

“So...what happens next?” Quartz asked.

“Garnet is supposed to defeat the monster here,” Universe pinched his eyebrows together, “But later she gets trapped at the Funland Arcade by that meat game.”

“Whoa whoa, _wait,_ ” Nora stood in Universe’s path, “You said there’s a corrupted gem? Here? Without telling us first?!”

As if on cue, Steven screamed. 

Nora slapped his forehead. So much for giving Steven space to calm down. Quartz flew over the cliff edge like a shot. Nora turned around to face Universe to see him carefully trying to put his fancy screen back inside. No time for that! Nora grabbed him by the elbow and dropped over the edge. Universe yelped as they flew down.

Nora landed with a thump against the stone while Universe landed with a flutter. Universe might not have any of Pink’s memories but Nora had a feeling it worked his doppelganger like a puppet. The creature loomed over the small form of Steven. Quartz held a tentacle back with brute strength. 

Nora summoned his shield. It flickered like a bad screen. Wait, what? The Rejuvenator–no, it can’t be. Spinel isn’t here. So then it had to be…

Steven held his head in his hands. Nora could almost imagine a bubble around him. Not letting anyone else use his gem but him. Nora sighed. No wonder Quartz had to fight the corrupted gem monster with his _bare hands._ Steven wouldn’t let him otherwise.

He really meant that two thousand years bit, didn’t he?

Nora dodged a spike while he ran for Steven. He gestured to Universe to help Quartz, and the prince nodded. Good. Steven kneeled on the ground and looked too lost in his thoughts to notice the giant monster or his brothers’ shouts. Looks like Steven needed a classic talk about feelings. Nothing better than on the edge of danger, really.

Nora waved his hand in front of Steven’s eyes, “Hey, Earth to Steven? You there?”

Steven shakily nodded.

“Can you count down from ten?” Nora asked as he kneeled down slowly to his height, “It’ll help. Come on, it’s okay.”

“T-Ten, ni-nine, I can’t–”

“You can, deep breaths,” Nora moved closer as more spikes flew overhead, “Suck in air and count for me, bro.”

Steven wiped his face, “Sev...Seven, six, five, four...I’m sorry.”

“You’re almost there.”

“A little faster!” Quartz shouted in between the monster’s roars, “Have your existential crisis later, idiots!” 

Nora shoved Steven to the left in time to avoid a flailing black tentacle, “Keep it down! I got your back, Steven. Always, alright?’

“Three, two…” Steven blinked up at him with a watery smile, “Really?”

“Listen, I'm the one that should be sorry, I panicked about this whole thing and well it’s not fair on you,” Nora rubbed his neck, “You need to talk to someone. And you can talk to us too. We’ve been there. Literally.”

“One,” Steven pulled him into a hug.

Nora didn’t hesitate and pulled him in tighter. He didn’t realize how short he used to be. When he used to be shorter than Garnet’s knees and even _Amethyst_ herself. Nora dug his face into Steven’s curls, he might be annoyed as hell at losing his happy ever after, but he could make sure it happened again. Even better this time! Steven wiped his snot on the cover of his jacket.

Nora stood up and pulled Steven up from his feet, “How about we see Connie tomorrow, huh?”

“Really?!”

“Yeah, really,” Nora winked, “And we’re all roommates in this body, but we still gotta remember you’re the landlord here. So can I fight this monster for ya?” Nora pulled him into a headlock, “It’ll be even cooler than Lonely Blade! Promise!”

Steven giggled, “Yeah, sure. But he’s pretty hard to beat…”

Nora shot him a pair of finger guns as he backed up into the fight, “See for yourself.”

Nora shimmered bubbles around his fists with a burst of light. Then kicked off the ground toward the ceiling of the cave. From far below he saw Universe and Quartz summoning their own shields with Steven’s permission flooding through their systems. Nora grinned, now he could really show them a trick or two. He focused on the warm core in his stomach and his clothes stilled as gravity slipped away, untouchable as a star. 

Nora stood on empty air as he measured up the monster below. If he kicked down hard enough, it might burst from the pressure and poof. It’s worked for corrupted gems of weaker constitutions. Nora clenched his fists and jumped.

He twisted his body in mid-air, control tight in every muscle. Fist down and legs up in a graceful maneuver straight out of an action movie. He narrowed his eyes as he let gravity pull him down, harder than Earth could ever pull. His bubble hardened to rock split seconds before the impact and the monster buckled under the pummel with an ear-splitting roar. 

Nora used the bounce back as an opportunity to get in a few more tight punches and kicks before he landed on the cave floor again with a final flip. Steven stared up at him with stars in his eyes and a gaping jaw. He heard the whistle of air and–

Nora landed on a cave ledge with Steven tight in his arms. A way too close call to avoid its black tentacles of death. The monster limped and it started to crash into the walls of the cave. Nora squinted, no wonder since it didn’t have any eyes. 

“Hey, Universe! Where is her gem?!” Nora heard another whistle and held Steven up with one hand and contorted his body to avoid the rain of spikes, “Need a little help!”

Universe hunched down behind a shield to scroll through his screen, “Garnet got it when she punched up through her mouth. Which is....through the spike at the bottom. Ew.”

“Get under _that?_ ” Quartz rolled under a tentacle and deflected a spike back and another roar split the air, “Are you crazy?!”

Nora tucked Steven in the crook of his arm and skipped through tentacles, “Kinda looking after Steven here! You _have_ poofed gems before!!”

“Oh, stars–” Universe yelped as a tentacle hit him and then flung him into the far hole. The wall shattered under the impact. Huh. Didn’t know they could hit walls like that. Nora shook his head and instead focused on the next barrage of spikes. Steven didn’t know how to fight very well yet. Not this young. 

“Fine...FINE!” Quartz glanced up at him, “How did you summon those bubbles like that?”

Nora remembered the inside of a bleached headship, “...Well, I died.”

“Great,” Quartz rolled his eyes and threw a shield under a tentacle-leg and it stumbled, “Like that explains anything at all.”

Steven shot him a thumbs up, “You got this, Quartz!!”

“Yeah!!” 

Quartz closed his eyes for a moment then threw himself under the creature. Nora could see the pink flashes of shields bursting in and out of existence. It cast sharp shadows across the creature’s oily skin and it seemed more frightening. Sweat dripped down Nora’s neck. Could ghosts like them even poof? 

But he didn’t need to worry. Steven gasped as Quartz slid underneath a limping leg and summoned a large bubble with enough force to push up. He burst his bubble and used his own momentum to grab the rising leg fully over until the elephant-sized creature tipped onto its back. Quartz crouched on its soft pink underbelly, tentacles pinned underneath, and it screeched. Quartz grit his teeth like a feral tiger as he pulled the writhing mouth apart.

For a moment, the world seemed to slow.

Nora reacted quicker before he could think and put his hands over Steven’s eyes.

Green walls replaced the dug-out cave and he could see green screens floating. Homeworld. Or some part of it. Nora squeezed them against the cold bite of the wall. Quartz still too lost in digging his arm further down the corrupted gem’s gullet to notice the change. Universe didn’t need his nod, he already skipped and hopped over lab equipment toward Quartz. 

Peridot...no, _a_ Peridot loomed over a broken and bruised body at the bottom of the cliff. Her fingers typed in reports on her screen. The memory shimmered like a mirage. The real Quartz buried his shield in the gem’s mouth to prop it open to grasp at the gem inside. Steven tilted his head, squirming in his hold. Nora sucked in a gasp through his teeth as he saw the Peridot kick hard into the memory’s stomach.

Then the green melted away. Like nothing happened. Yet he couldn’t forget the Peridot’s cold sneer. Familiar echoes and drips of water from stalactites trickled back in. Nora blinked away the last of the vision and he jumped down to join Universe on the ground. Steven fell out of his hold with a squirm and a pout. 

Smoke burst and a shout, “Haha! Got it!!”

Quartz landed with a smirk and threw Steven the spiky gem, “Here you go, you did it all by yourself. Give or take.”

Steven giggled and held the gem to his chest, “Thank you.”

All of them froze at the sharp sound of a warp pad. Fuck. The Gems finally figured out where they were. Nora cringed at Pearl’s shouts high pitched in a way that only a spear or a lecture would cure. Footsteps ran down the winding cliff face and Steven whirled around to face them. He took a step back once he saw their faces. Nora set a hand on Steven’s shoulder, poor guy. 

“Steven!!” Pearl threw herself at him and pulled him close, “What are you doing here and what is _that?_ Oh, Steven, you got me worried sick!”

Garnet shimmered her gloves away and pet her hand through Steven’s curls, “This was today’s mission, to fight and bubble this gem.”

“Really?” Steven said.

“Really,” Garnet took in a breath and kneeled down to face him, “I know you’re frustrated about the lack of missions but we have your safety and wellbeing in mind.”

“Yeah dude,” Amethyst crossed her arms, “S’totally not cool to ditch me when there’s gonna be a fight, ya know? Wanna be there to help kick butt!”

 Pearl took the gem gently from Steven’s grasp, “How about we bubble her and we go home?”

Steven squinted up at her, “You’re not mad?”

Garnet stood up, “Oh, very.”

Pearl bubbled the gem and sent it away, “We’ll discuss what privileges you will lose when we get home but after some hot chocolate and a long talk.”

Steven held onto Pearl’s hand as they escorted him back up, “Awwwww, man.”

Nora wondered whether it was a good idea to tell Steven everything that will happen in Under the Knife including future unaired seasons. Maybe he could even ask Universe for help to access the memory archives to even play it in their common mind. Binge night! Nora clapped his hands with a giddy grin and floated after his little brother. Grumpy Quartz close behind as he pulled Universe along by the arm, already glued to his pink screen and its scratchy writing. Nerd.

Nora couldn’t wait to see what the future held.

* * *

Connie held onto her picnic basket tightly, she hoped that Steven wasn’t out on a mission. Although he usually didn’t, maybe he could be on one this time? She didn’t know. Connie adjusted her glasses with a swallow. He said he would be her friend. Down there in that bubble under the sea like something straight out of a fairytale. 

The wind blew in from the ocean and she caught onto her sunhat in time. Summer might turn to fall in Beach City soon. Hopefully, later since she didn’t want to go back to school yet. Not when she met Steven! Connie walked around the cliff toward his house. It took some convincing for Dad to let her wander around the boardwalk alone. She was a big girl now. Twelve and proud. 

She turned her face to the ocean, it truly was a beautiful sight. Connie sighed. Steven was so lucky to live here. Adventure and beauty so close all the time. 

“Connie!” 

“Steven?” Connie turned around to see Steven hurtling down from the house, “Oh h-hey!”

“Connie!!” Steven ran full steam at her but then his smile evaporated once she tilted her head up fully, “Connie…?”

Steven stumbled and rolled the rest of the way down head over heels. Her picnic basket fell to the ground as she ran to Steven’s groaning form. Oh my gosh! What would Mom do? Connie pushed Steven onto his back and rested a hand on his chest. His heart fast and loud in his rib cage. Connie raised an eyebrow then Steven yelped and scrambled backward from her. 

Connie leaned back, _he hates you for touching him,_ her anxiety screamed in her ear.

“Uhm, you okay?” 

“Yeah I am, sorry,” Steven blushed red, looking everywhere but her, “It’s just...hard to see you. Since you got,” Steven gestured at the empty air around her, “that by you.”

Connie looked around, “Like what? Do you have fae sight like Lisa?”

“Kinda,” Steven said, but his voice sounded...wrong.

Connie whipped around but Steven didn’t look any different, “You’ve read the Unfamiliar Familiar series? Oh my gosh! You have to tell me your thoughts on it!!”

“No! Not me!” Steven glared at another empty spot, “It’s better if I explain. But come on! Not here, you just have to promise to keep a secret!” 

Steven stood up and grabbed her hand and pulled her up, “I know a place!”

“Whoa Steven!” Connie only had enough time to grab her basket before she had to yield to Steven’s tight grip, “Where are we going?”

“It’s just a cave by this way,” Steven tugged her down the beach, “So many crazy things happened since you came last time. Oh my gosh, Connie, I have no idea where to start!” 

Connie tried not to blush at how Steven twined their fingers together, “Right! I can keep a secret. Is it a magic secret?”

Steven tugged her gently into a small cave in the shadow of the cliff, “I think so? But Connie, I need your help making sense of this. I’m just…” Steven slid down the wall into a ball, “Really scared and I don’t know what to do. Or what’s right and wrong.”

“It sounds serious,” Connie swallowed back her excitement and trepidation and wiped her palms down her dress, “Start from the beginning?”

Steven looked up at her, “I’m just going to say it and promise not to freak out.”

“Steven, you can tell me.”

Steven pouted and crossed his arms, “But what if–”

“ _Steven_.”

“Hnnghh, fine!” Steven broke, “I have three future versions of me in my head!” 

“...What?”

“They’re from alternate timelines and like!” Steven didn’t stop to breath, “One is really sad and angry all the time. Another has weird pink eyes and reminds me of a lot of Pearl, to be honest. And then I think the last one is from the happiest future, but he’s dead too so I don’t know. And they take over my body whether or not it’s their turn and and and–”

Connie put a hand on his flailing one, “Breathe, Steven. It’s okay.”

Steven’s eyes shimmered, “I’ve been fighting with the Gems lately covering for them. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t want them mad at me. Either my brothers or the Gems.”

“That sounds tough,” Connie sat back, “Three of you from the future...hmm that’s odd,” Connie pulled out a sandwich from her basket and took a bite, “Usually it’s bad news when just _one_ person comes back from the future, but three? Whatever it is, it’s really dangerous.”

Steven took a sandwich too but didn’t eat it, “I don’t think they’re from the same future. It’s just more like…” Steven squinted, “They took different choices from what I can tell.”

“You don’t know?”

“They don’t like to tell me anything.”

Connie took a swig of juice, “Well, that’s dumb.”

“Connie!”

“What? It’s true! If you know the future, why wouldn’t they tell you? I mean isn’t that the entire point of every time traveler ever? To prevent their bad futures from ever happening?”

Steven hunched into his shoulders, “They can hear you…”

Connie blinked, “Really? Are they here?” 

“Yeah, they’re ghosts and I can only see them,” Steven tilted his head, “But they can still move stuff around so I’m pretty sure I’m not crazy.”

Connie set her juice down on the floor, “Ooooh! Can they move this juice box?”

“Yeah.”

Connie leaned forward to stare at it. It shook for a moment and then moved up into the air hovering and the straw swirled in its hole. Magic! Her mind raced and blood pounded in her ears. How could Steven not see how _amazing_ it was?! Then the juice box fizzled as it shook again from as if from invisible hands. No, wait, _literal_ invisible hands! Whoa.

“That’s so cool!” 

“You haven’t seen anything yet, jam bud,” Steven said but when she looked up, Steven’s lips didn’t move a sound, huh? Connie tilted her head. That can’t be right. It sounded like it came from her own head… 

“Did you say something?”

Something pressed down on her shoulder, “Oh huh, so you _can_ hear me. Can’t believe this trick still works!” 

Connie yelped and stumbled back, “Who said that?”

Steven blinked then a grin stretched across his face, “That was Nora! You must’ve heard Nora! Do that again!”

Connie felt Nora’s fingers rub a soothing rhythm into her shoulder, “Hey, I’m Nora. And this is a whole psychic ghost situation. It’s something that gets explained in Book Four of Unfamiliar Familiar.”

“But there’s only three out.”

“As of now,” Nora’s chuckle rang through her mind, “Remember? Future timeline? And I cried over...oh whoops almost forgot you don’t like spoilers.”

Connie’s eyes brightened as ideas burst in her mind, “Wait a minute, you must know something about me from the future! You all do,” Connie grinned as the mental pressure stepped back, “And that’s must be what Steven saw when he saw me!”

Connie turned around to face Steven, “Right?”

Steven rubbed his neck, “Yeah. But I really don’t get what it means. If I concrete, I can see three other versions of you standing right behind you. And…” Steven looked down into his lap as his eyes shone, “You might not like it.”

Nora’s presence had left completely by this point. 

Connie swallowed and wiped down her drenched palms and plastered on a smile. She already had a feeling what it’d be. It would be herself lonely because Steven found other friends cooler and more magical than her. Obviously. Maybe she would even be wearing one of her Mom’s favorite dresses with the bow and her violin. A forgotten slave to the ‘rounded out’ resume that would engrave her future in stone. But she needed to know, then maybe it wouldn’t scare her so much. 

Steven looked up and swayed forward, “One of you...is just _pink_. And she’s wearing a karate outfit? And a giant sword!” He squinted above her, “She has short hair and her eyes glow and she looks...serious. Intimidating? Like a knight!!” 

Connie’s whole face heated up, “You aren’t pulling my leg, are you?”

“What? No!”

“Steven, there’s no way I would be so cool!” Connie ducked her head, “Tell me another Connie, please?”

“But…” Steven pouted then looked to his right, “So like! That Connie is dripping in water and she has your long hair. But gosh, she’s dripping water all over the place,” Steven tilted his head, “And she’s _definitely_ angry. Can’t really tell if she’s crying too...but I think she is.”

Connie blinked then looked up at the empty space where her doppelganger stood, “I wonder why. Maybe I drowned? But that can’t be right, I took swimming lessons in third grade.”

Steven’s eyes immediately watered at the thought, “No! There’s no way you would be dead in the future!”

“...Thinking about it, Lisa did lose some friends during her magical destiny. And how can you be sure, Steven?”

“Cause I’d be there!” Steven shouted, “I’ll be there to protect you! Cause I…”

Steven trailed off as his face reddened.

“Steven?”

“Cause I’m your best friend!” Steven finished then looked down at her glow stick bracelet, “I made a promise to be your friend. And I’ll be with you. No matter what.”

The wind whistled past the cavern then Connie broke into a smile, “Oh, Steven. You’re right. Maybe I’m not dead, but took a dunk in a swimming pool!”

Steven laughed away his tears, “Y-yeah! Right!”

Connie took another bite of her sandwich to stop herself from saying incredibly sappy and weird. Steven always seemed to know what to say, and she didn’t know how he did it. She wished she had that ability too. Then maybe she wouldn’t be so awkward and have more friends. Connie glanced up at the empty spaces over her shoulder, where the future lurked. She didn’t have the full context. And Dad always said he had to do a little sleuthing before he had to do his missions. Maybe the other Stevens would tell her the whole story! And she wouldn’t be dunked in a pool. Right?

“And what about the last Connie?”

Steven twiddled his thumbs, “Well she has a really cool jacket with a NASA patch on it. She has a smaller pink sword that isn’t so gigantic. And she’s so tall!! She looks the oldest...But like, she has a smile on her face,” Steven said, “And it’s sad. She’s just waving goodbye over and over again.”

Connie let out a breath, “Now that I believe.”

Steven frowned, “Connie!”

Connie stuck out her tongue, “Oh come on! I’m probably leaving for space camp or something if I got a _NASA_ patch! Wonder why though?”

“It’s 'cause you’re out of this world?”

“Steven!” Connie laughed.

Connie drank her juice with some thought. She didn’t know what the future held but she had a niggling feeling nothing good. Nobody came back from the future for good reasons. And three? Connie slurped at her straw, maybe Steven’s magical destiny went haywire? Probably. Especially with three drastically different futures. Like a _knight?_ Her? Connie Mahswearan with a 4.0 GPA with barely any free time to see her best friend? Yeah right.

She filed the idea away at the back of her head despite her doubts. Just in case. It’s not like she had anything in her to be a knight. Tennis practice and violin practice didn’t lend to that. Connie tucked her hair behind her ear as she set her juice back down.

“So…”

“Sorry, just...sorry,” Steven rubbed the back of his head.

“What for?”

“Being weird and telling you all this,” Steven quirked a smile, “But thanks for listening, Connie! And you get to do the best part now! Meeting my bros; Nora, Quartz, and Universe! Gosh, I’ve been dying to introduce them to the Gems.”

Connie’s eyes sparkled, “Really? I’m the first?”

“Yeah!” Steven cleared his throat, “I’m gonna let Nora take the wheel, don’t worry I’ll sit by you! He’s pretty cool. I like him!”

Connie waited with bated breath as Steven blinked then his whole body shuddered. Kinda creepy once she thought about it, to let someone else pilot your body. She shook her head. This was still Steven even if from a different timeline. Steven–no, _Nora_ grinned and then pulled her into a bone-crushing hug. Connie squeaked.

“Ste–Nora!” Connie blushed, then Nora leaned back and let go.

“Sorry, it’s been such a long time, Connie,” Nora’s voice sounded even deeper than she remembered in her head, “Hold on. I need to really stretch out, didn’t get a chance to in all this craziness.”

Connie gasped as Steven’s body lit up with a pink outline as Nora rolled his shoulders with a pop as they became broader and more muscular. Steven’s red star shirt tightened over his chest and oh gosh, he had a _neck._ He didn’t even fit in his old shirt anymore. Is that what Steven looked like in a year? Two? Four? She didn’t know, but she wanted to stick around to find out.

“Ah! That feels better,” Nora laughed, “It’s really nice to see you. I mean it. And yeah, you were going to space camp last time I saw you. Great guess!”

“O-oh, it’s just something I would do if I had that patch,” Connie hid under her hat’s brim but she couldn’t resist taking a peek, “You look so different.”

“Good different or bad different?”

“Good different,” Connie’s eyes traced the new features in his face, she couldn’t miss the tired lines under his eyes even if faint, “You have a scar under your eye. When do you get that?”

“Oh, that? I got it from Jasper a year back,” Nora traced the white line, “Or rather that’s three years from now. She’s another gem you’ll meet.”

“Oh, huh,” Connie leaned up without thinking and traced her fingers over it, Nora froze stock still at the touch, “It’s hard to imagine you would ever get hurt.”

Nora pulled her hand down gently, “I do, Connie.”

Connie blinked rapidly at his soft tone, “Oh, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Nora coughed and waved his hand, “Can someone else take the phone, please? Ring ring, Universe, you’re up!”

Steven’s body shuddered and glowed pink again, shrinking by only a fraction. His neck shorter and not so broad. More like the boy she knew. But Connie tilted her head as the transformation didn’t stop there. Steven’s skin changed into a lighter shade of pink than flesh, she couldn’t put her finger on it, but the skin didn’t look so human anymore. Then Universe opened his eyes.

Connie yelped and lurched back.

“It’s okay, it’s still me!” Universe held his hands up, “I know it’s freaky. Scared me too. You can see why I can’t really come out often fully when I got diamond eyes.”

Connie blushed at her own rudeness, “Right, sorry. It’s just so strange.”

“They were my mom’s eyes, from a very long time ago.”

“Oh huh,” Connie crawled forward, dragging her dress through the sand, “They’re really pretty. Pink looks good on you.”

“Yeah, it’s my color,” Universe squeaked, his face growing pinker than possible.

“Oh, sorry! I shouldn’t have said that!” Connie waved her hands, “Gah! You don’t need me staring at you. Plus why are you…,” Connie tentatively poked at his hand, “That color? Do gems change colors?”

“No, not frequently,” Universe rolled his shirt up into an impromptu crop top to reveal his gem, “I just lost a lot of human-half when I reformed. Uhm...that’s a long story for another time. But my gem just went back to some default settings. Or that’s my theory, really.”

“So what happened to you?”

Connie cursed herself for asking it so point-blank.

“Became a prince, or an empress-in-training is more accurate,” Universe hunched into his shoulders, “I did what I had to to save Earth and my family. I haven’t seen you in two years. I really... _really_ missed you,” Universe swiped at his eye and sniffed, “Yeah, so that’s what happened.”

Connie covered her mouth, “Oh that’s awful!”

“Yeah, but I’m fine! Really.”

“Stev–Universe, I…”

Universe looked away and closed his eyes. Then his whole body shuddered again. Connie wasn’t able to finish her train of thought as Steven’s body transformed again. Smaller but not quite the same size as original Steven. He fit better in his iconic shirt now. The neck almost disappeared completely. She couldn’t help the relief at seeing it go. That had to be the strangest change yet. A frown soured Steven’s soft features and a few stray hairs sprang from his cheek. 

Connie tilted her head, was this Steven trying to grow a beard?

She bit back her smile, she had to be supportive. Supportive Connie activate! She beamed as the new boy pouted at her. He stuck his hands under his armpits and held his arms tight against himself. Like a hunched grumpy turtle. Connie smiled but he didn’t smile back. Huh.

“Hey, I’m Connie!” Connie waved her hand, “But you already knew that! You must be Quartz by process of elimination right?”

Quartz nodded.

“So how are you?”

Quartz hunched further into himself and shrugged. 

“Are you okay?” Connie’s palms sweating as the silence stretched even further on, “Do you want some juice? I think there’s still some in yours!” 

Quartz hesitated as he licked his lips. Then shook his head firmly. Connie frowned, what was wrong? Was _she_ doing something wrong? Connie didn’t know. 

An invisible hand pressed down on her shoulder, “That’s just Quartz, he’s selectively mute. Aka he hates talking to anyone other than us. _”_

Quartz snapped his head to her left with a deadly glare. 

Another hand pressed on her other shoulder, _“_ Quartz doesn’t like Nora for whatever reason. Don’t worry 'bout it! Quartz is a huge worrywart most of the time and he even likes to draw!!!”

Connie giggled, she could even hear Steven’s smile in his voice. 

“You should still drink something, you look thirsty,” Connie insisted and carefully pushed the juice box closer to him, “It’s okay…you still like juice in the future right? Or did it get replaced by like edible packets?!”

Quartz blinked and shook his head. He looked down again, and in the bent rays of the sun spilling from the cave entrance, Connie saw his face. Pale like he hadn’t slept in days and the dark eye-bags to prove it. Connie’s heart squeezed. What or _who_ did this to him? 

Quartz hesitated then reached out to the juice box. His right arm stretched out, and the sunlight caught on the deep sharp lines on his wrist up to his elbow. Like straight tally marks that her mother wrote on her clipboards. Connie’s head thundered and the cave seemed to drop several thousand degrees. Ice bit at her skin but she couldn’t look away. 

A red scabbed over scar in the jut of his elbow made her heart skip a beat. Brutal. The only word to describe it. Connie’s mind raced with thoughts boiling too quick for her to remember but she _felt_ their meaning. Who would…

Time started again when Quartz darted his arm back to his chest as he noticed. The juice box left untouched. Connie blinked back her blurry vision and hid under her hat. Pull it together. How could she stare? She would be lucky if Quartz even wanted to stay. Maybe he would tell others that she was rude and she made it all so awkward _and_!!

Connie shook her head, she couldn’t make it about herself. If Quartz wanted to leave, then he had the right. Maybe in that future...that version of Connie wasn’t as rude as her. Not so scared. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare,” Connie swallowed past the lump in her throat, “You just took me by surprise.”

She heard him shuffling back.

Connie drew in a breath and looked up into his dark eyes, “You took me by surprise by how brave you are. There’s no way I could get through so many battles like you,” Connie worried her lip as she twisted her hands in her hair, “I’m sorry you got hurt but that’s what you’re here for, right? So Steven wouldn’t get hurt like that again?”

Quartz jolted as if her words shot him in the chest.

Then Quartz blushed faintly and nodded. He didn’t smile, but at least his frown didn’t seem so stern anymore. Connie counted that as a win. Quartz glared at some empty spot next to her with a pout. Then he looked up and gave the most exhausted sigh she ever heard in her life. Like he had spent three whole days on-call at the hospital without coffee like her Mom did one time. Even more than that! Quartz waved goodbye with the barest move of his hand.

Then Steven’s body glowed with that pink outline again, the neck disappeared and his pudge filled out his shirt in all the right places. Connie couldn’t help but launch herself at Steven full force into a hug. Steven yelped as they rolled over. 

They laughed in the sand and Steven held her back tightly. 

“Steven! You’re back!”

“I never really left,” Steven sat up, “So yeah, those are my bros! The best bros in the whole broverse!!”

Connie sat up and ran her hands down her dress, “Not as awesome as you.”

“Connie!” Steven giggled and pulled her up to stand, “Wanna go get something from the Big Donut? I haven’t gone there in a while and it’ll be on me!”

Connie packed the last of her lunch into her picnic basket and held onto Steven’s hand, “Lead the way, my good sir.”

“Of course, after you,” Steven gestured to the mouth of the cave as Connie primly skipped through, “Let’s go get some hot bread, my good lady.”

They giggled. Steven pulled Connie along the beach. The sun dipped into the warm colors of the afternoon, their shadows long across the soft sand. Connie held onto her hat as Steven beamed at her. His whole demeanor seemed so much lighter. Like a weight off his shoulders. Connie might need some time to chew on this new development and all of her questions.

But she could tell Steven really needed that talk.

Steven could barely keep anything secret, this whole thing probably strained on him. Poor Steven. Connie held onto his stubby fingers tighter, he promised he wouldn’t leave her. So she would do the same. She would stick with him. 

That’s what best friends were for.

Connie looked up at Steven’s house as they ran past. He mentioned he kept this a secret from the Gems. Now _that_ she totally understood more than anything. She kept a lot of things from her parents. Mom would freak out and take out the abacus. Dad would follow her lead. If Steven couldn’t tell his Gems...then Connie had no chance in heck to tell her parents.

 Connie caught a glimpse of a pale gem washing the window, what was it? Pearl? Pearl washed the window and waved weakly at them before they turned the corner. Connie shook her head and focused on where Steven led her.

Even if Pearl’s expression reminded her of Mom. Absolutely sick with worry if she didn’t answer her call within thirty seconds. Connie ignored the twinge of thorny guilt around her heart. Steven needed her. He was her friend. Her _best_ friend.

Connie giggled as her boots stomped across the planks of the boardwalk. She had all the time in the world to be a kid. And how _cool_ was it to be friends with Steven? Like if she worked hard enough, she would have four friends in one! How lucky was that? 

“Come on, Connie! You gotta meet Sadie and Lars!”

“Alright, slow down!”

The door opened with a jingle and the smell of donuts drowned out the last of her worries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave me some validation, its 4 am and i should've been in bed hours ago
> 
> but goddamn it, I researched various fic canons to make sure this was accurate as possible even combing through which of Quartz's arm had that nasty scar. It's his right. And I got it confirmed in chapter 32 of C&C after re-reading the whole thing (which is amazing btw). 
> 
> ANYWAY!! i love each and every one of your comments so damn much ;A;
> 
> and next chapter will have the cutie patooties going around town!! I honestly love writing younger Connie so much even if worries me to bits I got her wrong ;A;
> 
> BUT YEAH SDHKGJDSFL LEAVE SOME KUDOS AND HAVE A LOVELY DAY <3333


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